Warning: This post may contain descriptive language about a “common medical” procedure. Caution is advised
24 hours had past.
In that time, friends had helped pray with me; to get past my fears. I’d cried, I’d slept but the bleeding induced from the abortion drug hadn’t stopped.
I scheduled an appointment and went in for a follow up.
I followed the nurse assistant into an examination room and was directed to prepare for an appointment just as I would an annual pelvic examination.
The Doctor walked in and the conversation ensued:
Dr: How are you feeling?
Me: Lousy. Tired and the bleeding isn’t going away.
Dr: Let’s take a look
So what proceeded to happen? The Doctor had to “inspect” me just like they would during a pelvic exam….only it didn’t end there.
She examined me and discovered the abortion pill hadn’t really done the job completely. She discovered “left over tissue” that had continued to make my body act as if it needed to rid itself of the foreign object.
Now, normally as uncomfortable as a “pap smear” is, it is just a light scratch sample of the ovarian walls. Ladies (and gentleman), this was DiFFerent.
I remember her picking up a tool (though I really wasn’t paying attention to it) and next thing I knew I was being cut away from the inside.
I CRINGED. It was not pleasant.
I CRIED. I knew the “left over” innards of my baby were being ripped from me. (The baby was long gone the night before, I’m pretty sure I saw what had been its remains as I’d endured the chemical nightmare earlier.)
I may not have been able to see the amazing miracle that had unfolded in the previous weeks of conception…but the ache in my heart and the scream from my soul cried out silently in heartache.
There is no measure of word, no empathy that can bandage up the moment the surgical knife detaches a Supernatural Power from a woman’s body.
Make no mistake, A woman’s womb, YOUR womb is a life giving, life breathing, life providing foundation. I have been forever changed by that moment. But I didn’t know why until it SLAPPED me in the face – without warning.
I walked out of the medical offices, slightly dazed – a bit confused. And riddled with emotions. Almost, numb.
I had the “exit” papers from that Dr’s visit in hand and glanced over them as I walked to my car.
What I saw made me sick.
To this day, 6 years later, I still see those words on those papers.
I was revolted. I had committed the one act of treason I’d never wanted to participate in.
Unwillingly or not, I’d just gone through the action of having an Abortion. I still cannot look at the words, or write them without wanting to fall to the floor in agony.
My baby would have just turned 5.
I know she or he is in Heaven. I know God loves him/her. But that ache, I’m pretty sure will never go away.
I try not to think about the loss. I try not to think about the part I played in having this procedure done.
But more than that, I think about the power of prayer and the power of God.
The power of Jesus to love that baby where they are at since I didn’t have the privilege.
The power of God and Jesus to walk me through my journey of forgiveness.
The power of God and Jesus to prepare me to write this journey segment to help others. Because although there are many women who are told abortion is simple, easy and not as painful as one might think….let me give it to you straight.
Any woman who has had sex has the potential to conceive.
Sex is both a gift and a miracle.
Conception and Pregnancy is also a gift and a miracle.
DO NoT be fooled.
EVEN though you may not be able to see inside your body. If you are pregnant, there is a living, breathing being inside you.
The act of Abortion will LIVE with you long after the procedure is done.
The memory of it, the idea of the child your body was nurturing and protecting will BE part of who you are FORever. Even if you try to wish it away. Even if you try to use Abortion to hide an accident or a mistake.
In the long run…your conscience is with you for life. Don’t be deceived by the simplistic concept of Abortion as an easy way out.
Abortion is the hardest thing you will have to face in your future.
Regret is costly, don’t let an abortion create a mountain of regret in your life
Heavenly Father, I have made a lot of mistakes. I have made one too many poor decisions. But, I am here now standing on you as The ROCK of my salvation and the provider of my peace, forgiveness and redemption.
I pray that any woman reading this, who is facing her past decision of abortion…that you will help her forgive herself. We need not be riddled with regret. You meet us and love us even as we work through our pain. Help free us from the clutches of the enemy and set us free.
For those who are considering Abortion…know that there are others out there. Know that you are not alone. DO NOT FEEL alone. Reach out and ask for God’s help!
And all God’s Children said, Amen.
Keep Shining Your Light!