“It’s time to stop running.”
“What do you mean, running? I’m not running from you.”
“I want all of you.”
“You have all of me.”
“No, I don’t.”
and that’s when the Holy Spirit got to work on me.
“Let go of the book.”
“But why? It’s the only dream I have left…”
“Are you sure?”
“Lay it down.”
“Lay it down.”
“The only thing I’ll have left to write then is the blog.”
“And do you remember why you have that?”
“Lay it down, HE needs you to LAY it DOWN.”
So, I sat in front of my laptop and relinquished my childhood dream. I gave up on writing THE BOOK.
I felt a strange mix of sadness and grief, a bit of mourning and anger. I hadn’t understood WHY HE was asking me to DO this but somehow I knew I needed to comply.
Moments after, I was enlightened to the “why”
The Carrot and The Heel
I have lived 3 decades with the hope of writing a book. Something to honor my Mom with. I guess I figured it would be like a tribute to her.
But an underlying reason was to make her proud of me….and that was my downfall – for all the wrong reasons.
Proverbs 16:17-18 (NLT)
17 The path of the virtuous leads away from evil;
whoever follows that path is safe.
18 Pride goes before destruction,
and haughtiness before a fall.
I’ve said before that the enemy is cunning, manipulative and sly.
I’d never seen that the BOOK I believed I wanted so much was actually him, the enemy….dangling a carrot in front of me.
He’s obviously known this weak spot for a while because I’ve worn it like a ball and chain forEVER.
Honestly and freakishly, in the hours and days after I laid down, relinquished and presented this “desire” this “dream” to God – I felt the chains of a burden release. This happened last week.
In hindsight, I am speechless.
God asked me to start a blog. He didn’t ask me to write a book.
I WAS THE ONE who was led to believe that I should write a book – by my oppressor.
And he masked the dream so well….
See, many weeks ago I asked God to help reveal the unexposed sins in my life. To reveal to me, to help me see anything that was causing me to falter in HIS sight. Anything that might be an Achilles heel. Anything that was weakening me as HIS tool.
Please note, until now, I’d forgotten I’d even prayed that prayer. I guess God didn’t.
I’m not upset about THaT book. I’m actually relieved. I now see that what I thought was a “dream” was actually a carnal desire – an illusion if you will. I really wanted to taste “authorship” and see my work in print. But without God’s guiding hand involved in the process…it was never going to flourish or bloom.
Satan knew my WEAKNESS but God knows what I NEED and what will both bring HIM glory and be a blessing for me.
So, until HE tells me, shows me or otherwise instructs…I guess this blog is HIS venue of choice.
Thank you for giving us “exit doors” and evacuation strategies (made possible by your son’s sacrifice). You continually prove to me YOU are a God of your WORD. I don’t know what you expect of me. But I know whatever YOU need me to DO – you will prepare me and equip me for it.
As your WORD states:
21 may he equip you with all you need
for doing his will.
May he produce in you,
through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.
God is GOOD ALL the time, and God is ALWAYS GOOD