Happy Birthday, Forgive Me

I wrote this back in March. It was the day I wrote this that I took a step back from blogging. But NOW is as good a TIME as ever to share this.

sisters photo 001
Sisters

Dear Sister,

A friend tweeted yesterday that the best writing arises out of the worst pain. So here goes.

It’s March 24; Happy Birthday ❤

The last time I said that to you was probably more than 20 years ago. It’s still hard to believe you passed on over 3 years ago.

I am stumbling over my thoughts. I couldn’t see straight as I cooked my eggs; tears were welling up and streaming down.

I’m Sorry.

I’m so, so sorry.

We were Sisters. But we were so very different. I know I wasn’t what you expected and I know I let you down.

21 years apart in age is a big gap in time.

I don’t know why God decided to bless Mom and Dad with me “late in life.” I know we didn’t have a lot in common. I know (for Sisters) we were both stubborn.

A lot of mistakes were made along the way. I know what happened wasn’t our fault.

Forgive me for not being able to live up to your expectations. I never expected anything from you, just to be accepted but most of all, not to be a burden.

I remember, after Mom and Dad died, you once said that all of us kids lost something when they departed. You were right.

I also know that when you died, I lost something, too.

The only Sister I ever had.

I have made many mistakes in this life. I’m still trying to forgive myself for most of them. I know God has forgiven me but I find myself struggling to do so. I’m sure that’s why He has set me to task to blog and why I know I have to face it all in the memoir (or whatever it looks like when it’s done.)

I find my mind wandering to how you spent your last days (hours) on this earth. The war we face is not of this world. It is purely Spiritual. It is against unseen and supernatural forces. Spiritual Warfare is a REAL life game WE are ALL confronted with in some form, everyday. Whether or not we chose to accept it for what it is.

Jesus is our Holy Spirit but we have to Armor Up frequently because the enemy is constantly at our door step ready to battle.

I know a lot more about wielding my power now than I did when the chaos first started, but I will never want to stop learning and growing.

I think of you often. I think of what was. I think of what happened and then I realize what I have to do.

I have to Let God lead – ask Him to direct me. Wait on Him.

Our memories serve as both blessings and life lessons. For instance, I remember you fondly and wish I’d been able to turn the other cheek more often. I Pray you finally found Peace with Christ. Peace that you didn’t have here.

I know you loved me and I loved you, even if we never figured out how to show it or didn’t know how to say it.

We didn’t have a perfect relationship but I now realize it’s because we live in an imperfect world. And maybe that realization at this moment is God’s way of helping me heal and forgive myself.

Because He Loved Us First.

You are now…shining even brighter, For Him, in His presence.

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