Memories: Surviving Death – Finding Hope

The End

32 years ago, yesterday, November 9, at 5pm CST – my Mother died.

She went to be with God.

I have no reason to be sad. I know she is in perfect peace. Her pain ended when her Spirit left her body. Her soul received a new heavenly body and her spirit (now apart from her earthly body) is in the presence of Christ (2 Corinthians 5: 1-10). In Christ, a saved soul finds perfect peace.

But I still ache. I was 15 years old when she was ripped out of my life.

But I still ache, remembering how much she loved me.

I still ache because other than My Savior, she is the only person in this world who ever loved me unconditionally. That’s what Mother’s do…

So, I’ll do the one thing I do best. I will write. I’ll share with you, and others who are overwhelmed by grief, sorrow. The pain changes with time. It does linger and it morphs in shape and scope.

We have to remember, if we didn’t Love, we wouldn’t have pain to feel…

A Healing Process

I continue working on my Memoir. It is difficult work; both exhausting and gut-wrenching. The effort involved with it is more difficult than any blog post I’ve ever completed (or not completed. Yes, I have many unfinished drafts started.)

God has told me that I need to do this. I need to write this memoir. I don’t particularly care for this task, but God’s direction trumps my own will. So, the race is on…and out of obedience I press onward.

(If I could talk to Mom, today, this is what I might say)

Dear Mom,

Where did 32 years go? I miss you. As much now as I did then. I used to want to believe that you were close by, watching over me. I now want to believe that you are far away from THIS world, and in peace, in God’s presence. Using your beautiful voice to sing Praises in His presence.

I truly had no idea when you passed, how difficult this world could be. How cold and callous. Although I knew God was my friend, it took me many years to recognize, to see, that He was actually standing right by my side since the moment you stopped breathing. That he was holding me up when I was not strong enough to do it for myself.

I am amazed at the seed of faith you planted in my life. Amazed at how far it has carried me. The road has been extraordinarily difficult. There have been many times I have wondered why the cup of bitterness was passed my way, until I realized that each cup held a very important lesson. The cup and its contents weren’t what mattered but how and what I DID with what I learned after the fact.

I do remember your character and even if my memory of your face and voice is foggy, the many photos I have around me are reminders of both your inner and outer beauty. The lesson from your life, is that your mustard seed has taken root. Not unlike Daniel in the Lion’s Den, Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego in the Fiery-Furnace or Esther rescuing her people, you knew the dangers and risks of loving like Christ.  You stood with feet planted firmly in the Armor of God. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

I know you didn’t want to let go of this life, because I was so young and it seemed too soon.

I loved being your little girl. I was so blessed to have you as my Mother. But God is, was and always has been good.

God has promised to make beauty from all the ashes.

I have come to believe you do not know what has happened, because if you did it would break your heart. And in Heaven, there are no broken hearts, no tears.

God is working with me on restoring what has been destroyed and broken. As much as I initially was frustrated with each step of challenge along the way, each one is necessary to make me not only stronger and build my character but make me MORE dependent on God. Which is the ultimate goal: Spiritual Maturity – More like Christ, less like me.

In hindsight, 32 years ago…you had reached that pinnacle. I watched you walk outside to say goodbye to me. Your time was short. In fact the last time I saw you was 3 days before you died. But during that last visit, you wanted to ensure I witnessed what it means to not give up; even under the harshest of circumstances. Even though your body was frail, you wanted me to see you walk. Though you had little strength, your faith had grown from a mustard seed into a tree with mighty roots. God gave you Dad’s assistance to wave your way into my memory.

You were determined to make that memory count.

NO MORE

I am ready to let to go of heartache, grieve, sorrow and anger. These are not Fruits of the Spirit. They are hindrances. I have written a dozen scenes, am writing more and continue to clean them up as I dig deeper.

I often didn’t understand why so much happened when it did, but it’s becoming clear now. Without these tests and trials, the gift of writing, God leading me and your encouragement to keep going with it…I wouldn’t have a platform to share encouragement, hope or faith.

Pain allows us to appreciate Joy — it’s when we choose to look with Hope through our pain we find a way through the Suffering.

Spiritual Gifts are the avenues that allow us to share our strengths with others.

My work continues and, in fact, may just be getting started.

I love you, Mom; to the moon and back and I will always miss you.

(End note to Readers: if I wasn’t “Saved” & “Born Again” the carnal side of me might never heal from losing my Mom. But the beauty in Surviving Loss as a “Child of God” is that I know I will see her when God calls me HOME. I belong to Him and one day will be with My Mom and God, forever in Eternity.)

 

Father,

I know I’m not home yet. Though I am not of this world, I thank you for this life. For both the beauty and the pain. For being there with me every step of the way, for not letting me fall but to help me learn from failure and to keep going. Failure isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning. The world has it backwards and Christ proved that on the cross, with his resurrection. Thank you….

You are the reason I am here, you are my purpose. My lamp stand and a light unto my path.

Help keep us on the straight and narrow road. Strengthen us through the valleys and protect us as we navigate winding roads.

We Pray this IJN, Amen

Be Blessed and Be a Blessing to others,

-Kenzel

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