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The Plasma Event: The Bifurcation

I began this blog post months ago and was looking for something else entirely, when I stumbled upon some of the videos  highlighted. Today The Spirit redirected me to complete it.

 

Some of you may have heard about The Georgia Guidestones, which basically is a list that includes reducing the population of humanity. You will notice within the Genesis Device (Star Trek) video how the description alludes to much of the propaganda the Me. Dea. has been feeding the masses since the Tell-lies-of vision entered the main stream decades ago.

 

I have never mentioned this on this blog, but 5 years ago – one of the very first Rhema Words the Holy Spirit gave me was “Nuclear Winter”

 

When I heard that, I dropped to the floor on my knees and just started crying. The moment was so very surreal…because it was like I was being shown in the Spirit – the effect of a Nuclear Winter occurring. I felt an eerie type of “cold” begin to cover me in The Spirit – though I felt it at an aetheric level sometimes the aetheric is more powerful than physical.

 

Part of this Spiritual information exchange was knowing that a type of nuclear holocaust was down the road in our future. However, this “nuclear winter” may not appear as they have presented in Sci-Fi film.

 

As I have read the scriptures over the years – I keep seeing and hearing the phrase from Revelation 3:15 “I wish you were neither hot nor cold.” Having recently realized that the Bible was written utilizing mostly alchemical references – it is no wonder that it has been misunderstood. Pastors in the pulpits are not instructed to teach from the alchemical perspective. They are taught to teach what the puppet masters want the masses to believe, this allows the current hierarchy to retain control of their 3d matrix.

 

I would imagine, those of you who are following this blog – whether you are a long time follower or rather new are searching for a new way of life. Another way of living. I have been praying about this. Many of us who believe in Christ Jesus, Immanuel and the Work on the Cross have been awaiting the Rapture of The Church of Philadelphia – The Rescue of The Bride, The Wave Sheaf Company.

 

I was led to establish this blog by our Father God. And have tried to share only as incoming information is deemed fit. Years ago, when I received the phrase “Nuclear Winter” that download really frightened me. However that was quite some time before Pre 2019. As the hours tick toward the conclusion of 2021 – Nuclear Winter has taken on a totally different perspective.

 

A few weeks back I had heard people online talking about hearing the sounds of “booms” and attributing such sounds to thunder in the clouds. Then recently, I had heard that those booms might actually be associated with the techtonic plates within the earth and the shift of those plates related to the Magnetic Pole Reversal and the end of the current Epoch we are observing. I really didn’t think anything of it until I was outside this past week and I also HEARD the sound of the boom. I know what thunder sounds like because I love thunder and lightning storms. This was not the sound of thunder. Deep down in my Spirit I have this knowing that Nuclear Winter is likely associated with the coming Magnetic Pole Reversal.

 

I really wasn’t sure about any of this until yesterday when The Father spoke to me in Spirit and I asked additional follow up questions.

 

The first download I received was “Plasma” -followed by, “Be Ready for the incoming Plasma Wave.”

“Father, what on earth do you mean by Plasma and Plasma Wave?”

“Little one, you are in the womb of the Earth – you and your siblings are effectively gestating in a womb of darkness. While in the womb you have WORKED spiritually to seek and find truth. All within earth’s womb are about to experience the labors pains necessary to leave this 3d reality and enter into the one you have been waiting for: 5d, 6d, 7d or what the scriptures identify as New Jerusalem. Part of that labor pain is going through the Plasma Wave. This soon coming plasma wave is the “birth canal” of delivery via electricity. It will produce an energy vortex. The energy vortex is necessary. The human body is a field of energy which has been condensed into darkness (skin) and within the law as a part of the beast.

However, New Jerusalem/Heaven – does not require this skin. In fact this skin covering is not permitted in The Holy City. As such prior to entering the Holy City it must be discarded. Part of this discarding requires cleansing of the old garment (skin of sin) to release the new (Purified Spirit/Soul – Tree of Life). The Plasma Wave is the necessary bridge between Earth and Heaven.”

 

 

(Kind of weird to see a display of “QR code” displayed here in video)

“The “Plasma Wave” is a field of electricity. It will resemble the same type of environment that encased each of you within your mother’s womb. In this case the Plasma Wave will have a double natured effect. This is because the Plasma Wave is both a blessing and curse as part of the Day of the Lord. Those familiar with The Old Testament will recognize it as “The Destroyer” and it is something that no one will escape. Even those hidden within underground caves or bunkers will not escape it.

 

Those who have believed in the sacrifice of Christ Jesus (and his resurrection) and accepted The Holy Spirit into their heart, mind and soul will not be harmed but there may be other lessons learned and knowledge gained through the Plasma Wave.”

(Please note there will likely be more than one “Plasma Wave” that passes across and through Earth which would account for more than one Harvest of Souls.)

 

“Those who have not surrendered to Christ or done their Spiritual Work to cleanse themselves of iniquity will experience rather unpleasant side- effects of the Plasma Wave. The Plasma Wave will signal the beginning of the Apocalypse. That is because once the Plasma Wave enters your atmosphere it will cover the Light of the Sun, moon and heavenly bodies. It will create an energy vortex (the Signal of the Sign of Jonah) and this will begin the 3 days of Darkness.”

 

 

The following video is merely a generalized presentation of the coming magnetic pole shift Cataclysm, mentioned in Genesis 1 and in the Book of Revelation. Notice when Admiral Kirk addresses the computer what the blue and white symbol looks like at its introduction

 

Please check back as this blog post may be (frequently) updated.

11k Milestone

This is my Christmas Thank you Card….to each of you – new friends and old –

While some bloggers may attract thousands or even millions of readers and subscribers – I stand in amazement that as of this week we’ve reached 11,000 blog views. So far, only 2019 has had better numbers with 11,159 views…but the year still has 6 days left.

It still stuns me to reflect on this blogsite. Started all the way back in 2013/14 – I recently received a WordPress Anniversary message congratulating me on having reached the 7 year mark.

7 Years? That feels like a lifetime right now…

So, in gratitude to Father Yahuah and The Holy Spirit for guiding my hand over the years….

Here are the Top Posts and Pages according to this blogs “Stats” page –

So for instance, 1) Means the blogpost – Title – with most “Views” and its title is “Smelling Smoke” which has received 9,301 views….

  1. Smelling Smoke 9301
  2. Home Page 915
  3. Triple Chocolate Chip Cookies 102
  4. Do You Sense it? A “Quickening” 52
  5. About Me 39
  6. Green Lentils Braised 36
  7. Welcome 33
  8. Sharing: A Dream and Shofar Trumpets 28
  9. Spiritual Abuse: When Praise & Worship are inhibited 22
  10. Reflecting The Future 22
  11. Quantum String Theory 21

Now, there is one blogpost that should probably have been included in the Stats above – but for a period of time I had marked it as (Private) – which is “Holy Spirit Awakening” – the other blogpost that is a personal favorite of mine is: “Foreshadowing: To Let Go”

This year, Christmas 2020 just doesn’t feel the same anymore. It’s not that I don’t care about Christmas but I lost my zest for all its Commercialization about 2-3 years ago – and having to bury GrandPa on 12/23(19) didn’t exactly put me in a joyous mood. If anything – I have worked hard Spiritually this year to reassess the concept of what “Worshipping in Spirit & Truth” mean to me, while finding balance and harmony through the Gifts of The Spirit and what that means to me.

This is one of the other videos that has given me hope that all people – some day will have a place to stay warm, dry, and sheltered….

ICYMI: Venus, The Silver Gate & 8 Days

Did you know the Scriptures speak of not just one Messiah – at the Second Coming – but TWO Messiahs?!

Don’t believe it? What these videos first….

 


Signs in The Sun, Moon and Stars

Venus, The Bright and Morning Star is about to enter The Silver Gate

 

 

Venus, Orion, Gemini

 

 

Venus & The Silver Gate

 

 

 

 

Venus represents The Bright and Morningstar of Revelation 22

 

But if you go look at Jeremiah 23 & 33 – you will see something very interesting. Yes, Jesus came the first time as Messiah….he was the Lamb of God and the root and offspring of David.

 

But with the arrival of TuBAV in Israel, which is looked at as Wedding Season – we should be watching for the Time of the Wave-Sheaf offering (Leviticus)

 

Whereas most of “Christian-dom” considers Christmas their holy season – Yahuah’s Holy Sabbath is celebrated during Feast of Tabernacles and Feast of Trumpets  – as well as Feast of New Wine (Wedding at Cana).

 

While you may have been taught in the mainstream churches to await the return of Jesus Christ – we might want to prepare for a 2nd coming with TWO Messiahs –

as this lines up with the two olive branches (Voices of Truth, Law & Shalom) and the two golden pipes (Zechariah 4) emptying the golden oil (Spirit of Truth/Prophecy, Revelation 11).

Jeremiah 23:6 King James Bible
In his days Judah shall be saved, and Israel shall dwell safely: and this is his name whereby he shall be called, THE LORD OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Jeremiah 33:16 King James Bible
In those days shall Judah be saved, and Jerusalem shall dwell safely: and this is the name wherewith she shall be called, The LORD our righteousness.

From The Father: About Dreams

When you visit any website (a blog, video or via content anywhere on the internet) regarding anything about dreams people have had, you need to be aware of something.

Years back when I first discovered and became interested in prophecy and the prophetic, I thought all things were created equal…kind of like what’s mentioned in Genesis.

I’m here today to share a caution from Our Father. This is something I wished I’d known a long time ago….

God gave us Jesus for a reason…then Jesus told us He needed to leave to send us the Comforter/Counselor. There was a reason for that.

As you visit other websites or watch videos where people share their dreams and corresponding interpretations — please note whether or not they mention “I believe this means” vs “Holy Spirit/God told me.”

Dreams from The Father WILL be interpreted. Interpretation is provided by The Ruach.

Over and again when I have visited internet sites where people share dreams they have had and the author includes the phrase “I believe this means”…very often (not always) but often they are providing a carnal interpretation…which could unintentionally convey something entirely different than our Creator intended.

Think about it – Adam and Eve stumbled when the enemy twisted God’s Word. Then Sarah stumbled thinking she needed to help Abraham in order to fulfill God’s plan. NOT!

I have seen through observation what The Lord is pointing out – it is happening consistently over and again in what people write and vlog (this also includes my own blog posts about dreams/visions – Sigh).

It is scattered across YouTube.

Dream interpretation can be “fun” but when it comes to God, he moves with purpose and intent. What He has taught me and He WANTS you to know is HE WANTS to have the last word in helping you. He does this b having The Holy Spirit GIVE you your dream interpretation at the moment you need to know.

Anything you try to interpret by your own power/energy or effort will probably fall short. Here’s the serious caveat…was the dream even from God? Always test the source. (1 John 4:1)

Ask God in prayer after you receive the dream to confirm it WAS from Him. God doesn’t lie – He can’t and won’t. He’ll tell you that much even if he doesn’t provide immediate interpretation.

It’s tough to pause when wanting to share Holy Spirit interpreted Dreams. This is what happened yesterday when I’d received a large chunk of dream interpretation in the afternoon and then the final portion last night. I hadn’t expected that, and God is WAY-bigger than our best expectations!

The point is, prophetic dreams aren’t for us to interpret or speculate on. They are God’s business.

This is a strong word of caution to utter for ALL who are willing to listen – but this is what I’m hearing

“Don’t interpret MY GIFTS of Dreams. They are used to direct, instruct and teach my sheep. To attempt to interpret on your own and by your own power is a form of rebellion. Refrain from doing so and wait on me; If you must, Repent.”

Father, I repent for making guesses at interpretation about my own dreams. Forgive me.

Scriptures

Daniel 2

Daniel 4

The Fire of Real Love: A Re-post

This message was received from The Father about a year and a half ago.

I finally posted it to share last Valentine’s Day.

I’m reminded to share it again because while the world looks at acknowledging “love” by a date on the calendar – The LOVE of our life, Jesus, always looks at us with an eternal, everlasting love. And that’s THE ONLY LOVE that matters!

So, here’s the truth about: “The Fire of Agape Love”


https://shiningalightinthedarkness.wordpress.com/2017/02/14/the-eternal-valentine-agape-love/


Into The Light (Updated)

(Author Note: This post has been modified since it was first published.)

 

Magnificent. Beyond Expression.

 

Yahuveh Ahava is magnificent.

 

I am Overwhelmed

 

Upon waking and hearing the song above as the radio began to play at 6:01am…I knew was no accident.  I had been woken at about 4am, by the sound of raindrops. I next found myself going into prayer.

 

That song was followed by this one:

 

Start A Fire

 

The manifest presence of God is amazing

Seek Him

Pray in The Spirit…

Let Him elevate you Into The Light

He is Glorious

 

Blog post insight

So the reason for this blog post was quite unexpected. The words wrote themselves and it was the fastest post to publish.

I originally had chosen a different music video than what is there now. That again, is intentional on God’s part. As you watch, “Into The Light”…pay close attention to the frames where you see LIGHT all by itself (it occurs at :48/:50, 1:57/1:58, 2:10/2:11, 2:13/2:14, 3:09). He has directed me to share those specific image frames with you.

I feel the need to mention that there are a couple of frames within this video that gave me pause…but those aren’t to be the focus.

Back to the point: The radio clicked on the morning at about 6am. This is going to sound odd, but when the radio started, I don’t know where I was (in the Spirit) because I started praying at 4am and never stopped. When “This” started I was somewhere between prayer and dozing).

Somehow I had come into the presence of the most amazing Light I have ever seen in my life. It was nothing like the sun and it didn’t hurt my eyes to look at it. The song “Overwhelming” came to mind as the dream/vision was ending and the music on the radio pulled me back. I distinctly remember wanting to get closer to the light. But I wasn’t walking to it. It was as if The Light contained a force that was pulling me to it. For the first time in my life, I felt complete peace and love unlike anything I have ever known. I think I recall that my mind was begging for it not to end.

All the songs that were included were somehow part of what happened. As in, I either felt them happening or heard them when I saw this Light.

It was utter Beauty.

Father, I ask that your manifest presence fall on every soul reading this. And may your Holy Spirit anoint the chosen ones you are about to raise up.

Your reconciliation must happen for restoration…may your will be done and your purposes fulfilled.

I pray that as Judgements fall, the souls far from you…the fence sitters, skeptics and unbelievers, say YES to you.

In Jesus Name, Amen

God Bless and wrap you all in His liquid love.

Ready?: You are about to be enlisted

Not so very long ago, I thought I would write a Memoir.

 

Then Joy mentioned that it was not to be and as I listened to her words through tears, I was confused. I now understand why her words were truth.

 

A memoir is something that is written to Chronicle your life – written through your own worldly eyes. A Testimony is entirely different. It is a story that is told from the perspective of The Holy Spirit.

 

The moments are becoming more frequent where I cannot wait to put pen to paper and resume the work He has given me, guess that should be no surprise. When we delight ourselves in Him, he gives us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4)

 

However, I do not know how long I will continue that work because I recently had a vision of a wall-style clock and its hands were spinning so fast they were almost out of control.

 

While we need to be aware that things are going to happen that will leave us in shock, in awe; sad and grieved, that they are happening – they were foretold. They are more than the beginning of birth pains. They are our sorrows and His.

 

In fact, I am reminded that I had written about this 4 months ago when I was given a vision about Darkness Descending.

 

As darkness continues to descend, something is going to happen. This is tied to the Event that is ahead. God has told us within His Word that His Spirit resides within us. For those that have completely given themselves over to the Work of The Spirit, to God’s plan for The Earth, this event is tied to you.

 

You need to recognize what is happening and what is at stake. Recall Ephesians 6:10-18, that we fight not against flesh and blood but against that which is unseen. That is exactly what this is about. Consider this video snippet. Tris is sent into an induced simulation. But even in this simulation, she is dealing with a reality…an alternate reality:

 

“Chose”

 

Tris doesn’t make the choice in the simulation and EVEN THAT affects her result. If it didn’t matter that this was JUST in her MIND, consider how much more important IT IS FOR US.

 

Jesus tells us specifically that the battle starts in the mind.  Have you ever read the end Zechariah 14? You might want to…I won’t say more than that right now.

 

Instead, I’ll spell it out…the enemy has an army, but so does God. If you haven’t noticed there are a lot of voices out there saying the moment of decision isn’t just ahead; it’s here, it’s now.

 

What that means is, your decision doesn’t get to wait until your facing Yahushua at the Judgement seat of Christ. The decision rests on you, in this moment – now. It rested on the hearts and minds of the 59 souls who lost their lives in Las Vegas. And WE ALL pray they were right with God.

 

I’ll add this right now…Father, I lift up those souls to you NOW and ask you to give them the chance to say YES to you and acknowledge who YOU ARE.

 

Reading this on your laptop or device you might laugh at the idea about the concept of having to “chose,” but I don’t recommend it. Our enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy and he isn’t out to make promises he can keep.

 

God doesn’t want to see that happen, he doesn’t want anyone to perish. The enemy lives in the dark and he prowls the earth. (Job 1:7)

 

God does not just LIVE in the Light – HE IS THE LIGHT.

 

Thus, we approach the ultimate showdown and that is what you need to understand. If you have not read the Book of Revelation or the Book of Genesis, you should. Because Revelation wraps up what was begun in the Book of Genesis.

 

The Serpent tempted Eve. Have you ever figured out how Eve stumbled? I went back to Genesis and studied Eve because we have a lot to learn from her. the devil twisted his words intentionally to throw Eve off. She was unprepared for it…she ever so slightly misquoted The Father’s Words and that is how the enemy took the upper hand.

 

Well, the battles addressed in the gospels of the New Testament and especially in the Book of Revelation, is the conclusion of that epic saga.

 

Adam and Eve were innocent and naive. Ultimately, Eve is blamed for the fall of man (this is prophetic ladies, because ultimately a woman give birth to a man who reconciles ALL). Eve’s stumble doesn’t have to be repeated by us. She wouldn’t want us to “fall” into the same error she did.

 

I think Eve would want us to be Encouraged as we MOVE forward.

 

And as each of us IS being moved we need to remember that God knows where He needs us and will get us there.

 

MOVE! Keep Walkin’

 

Per Daniel (12:4) the books of prophecy were to be sealed until the time of The End. I believe The Holy Spirit is sharing with each of his beloved certain specifics regarding “The day and the hour.” Know that each of you who is committed to our Creator is going to be called forth and enlisted in God’s Army. And that is a GOOD thing. What I will share here, is that I’ve been shown Daniel 12:3 is actually referring to The 5 Wise Virgins.

Don’t be unprepared. Fight the good fight and ASK for your placement.

Know where you STAND and Remember that the darkness cannot exist where there is LIGHT.

Be ARMORED up (Eph 6:10-18) and ready because…

The Call is about to be made.

Testimony: Letter For Dad – Part I

Father God, This is the first time I have ever approached writing about Dad.

I love you, Lord. You are my Creator.

With your blessing, I’m going to start out writing him a Thank you letter.

I want to share thoughts here about the man you orchestrated to be my earthly Dad. Thank you for that…

 

Dear Dad,

This doesn’t come easy. I guess writing letters to those we’ve loved, then lost and grieve over are just naturally going to stretch us.

First, I want to Thank you…for being my Dad. I know neither one of us was perfect and I was only 17 when you died, so we didn’t get much time together after we buried Mom.

What didn’t I get a chance to say that I want to say now? I love you. I know I didn’t say that nearly enough. I would have hugged you way more often, too.

I’m sorry that I wandered off that day at the Park and disobeyed you. I’m sorry that I didn’t come back home to live with you once your time caring for Mom was over. My human mind believes that decision (on my part) was a tragic mistake, even though I know it was all part of God’s plan. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your words and advice and pay more attention in general.

And if I thought I got short-changed with my time with Mom, then there is no doubt the same happened for us. In hindsight, now I see how every moment was a cherished gift. I also understand why in the book, “Imagine Heaven,” so many people who have experienced NDE’s (Near Death Experiences) express that “we who are living, miss out on the best parts of life.” (paraphrased)

I loved you teaching me how to make home ground/brewed coffee. Back in those days, the early 80’s, the Seattle coffee scene hadn’t quite gained its momentum. And besides our time on the tennis court, my favorite memories of you are walking in at 7am from having gone to pick up the Seattle Times and your cup of coffee. (Tears…)

Then you bought the coffee grinder and we started making coffee at home…you even enlisted my help. I loved grinding the beans and smelling its aroma (better than it tasted!). But what made my heart sing was when you would pour me a cup and prepare it “cafe ole” style (because it was caffeinated.)

We’d sit at the table and often enough indulge in the small bag of Dunkin’ Donuts you brought home. I will never forget how excited I was each time you did that.

Thank you for believing in me, for seeing my potential as a tennis player. Maybe you saw more in me than I did in myself.

Thank you for when you took us to The Enchanted Forest and Point Defiance. For having Marci take me to Wild Waves. I have never forgotten that day. Though I missed Mom, I loved Marci…and she brought part of me back (albeit all too briefly) that had disappeared with Mom’s absence. I’m glad she was in your life, near the end.

Thank you for standing up for me at school and teaching me Judo after I was beat up. Thank you for showing me what character and integrity look like. For caring for Mom until the very end…I do know she was the love of your life. I’m so sorry for the anguish of losing her. Thank you for getting her out of the motel and those 2 or 3 years of retirement.

As I write, I look at your picture taken at the family wedding in 1980. It’s hard to believe that that photo marked the beginning of so many changes ahead.

Thank you for taking me out to visit Mom’s family the year she died. I’ve never forgotten that…even though that trip had drama of its own.

I only want to write about the good memories here, because Part II is going to be so very different…

More than anything, I want you to know I appreciate every thing you ever did for our family. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for having served your country.

I want you to know, I have made mistakes. Lots of them. If you’re in Heaven and reading this then you already know that meeting with Betty before I left Kent was a turning point. And God knew exactly what He was doing that day.

The only thing I was ever sad about was that I never got to see where you worked in air traffic control. We often talked about my coming for a visit to the tower one day…and although I’m not sure where they are now, I kept the beautiful photos you gave me of the Blue Angels flying over Boeing Field for a long time.  I treasured those….

Dad, whatever God’s plans are for me…I will always be your little girl.

Love you, Daddy…

Post Script: Related Scriptures

This morning after I wrote and published this, I was reminded by the Holy Spirit of the words “Honor thy Father.” How could I forget that Honor your Father and Mother are the 6th of the 10 Commandments found in The Book of Exodus. You can find it under Exodus 20:12.

By writing this letter I was honoring both my earthly Dad and My Heavenly Father…there was a reason I felt compelled.

Blessings to All

 

Testimony: Through The Blur

Author’s Note: This is part of a Testimony of God’s Grace. Although these events occurred when I was a teenager (15-17 years old) the memories are nearly as fresh today as they were then. My style of writing has changed little…the difference is I have had time to practice writing on these blogs and have been directed to share these experiences for “Such a Time as This.”

 


 

I stared at the breakfast plate in front of me – picking at food I couldn’t focus on.

Tired and lacking sleep – my eyes were still heavy and puffy from tears. I didn’t want to be here. Almost anywhere, but here. Then again, I didn’t want to think about the next place we would be driving to.

“Kenzel,  you need to eat” Dad’s voice said from behind me. “Eat so you can take this”- handing me another pill. “Dad, I don’t need it. I’m all cried out. I”ll be fine.”

I looked up at him as he held the tranquilizer out for me. “Take it.”

“Dad, seriously, please.”

“Take it.”

I picked the horse size pill out of his hands and looked at it as he walked away.

Tears formed but at this moment they weren’t because I was sad over having to bury Mom. On top of everything, Dad wasn’t willing to believe I would be ok…that I didn’t need the influence of a drug.

I glanced over at my cousin Pam, a specialist as an RN/ER Nurse. She must have observed the situation and her eyes were still fixed on me.

I looked down in shame. She got up from her chair and walked over.

“You know you don’t need that.”

“I know, I told him. I don’t like how it makes me feel either. But he doesn’t believe me when I tell him I’ll be okay” and I took it. Downing the glass of water to wash away the nasty taste.

“He’s dealing with this the best way he knows how.”

I nodded, still finishing the water.

The tears started to flow, making it hard to see, until they started cascading down my cheeks.

The drive that day to the cemetery went in slow motion. I kept wishing (and hoping) that I could somehow take my hands and stop the car from pressing forward in motion. Each mile got us closer to an ending I was unprepared for.

The tranquilizer on an empty stomach was doing me no favors.

Finally parked in front of the Mortuary, I opened the door and stare at the ground. Stepping out, I look at the building behind our car and think to myself, “What are we doing here? This isn’t really happening…” Walking towards the door, I can feel my body moving but am not connecting that my feet are in motion.

Is the world spinning? I’m not sure I can feel my jello like legs.

Yes, I am breathing.

Someone opens the door I am staring at – I step in. I’m reminded of the sterile smell of the hospital, but I’m sensing an underlying presence. In a hospital, there is still hope. In a cemetery the only hope is your prayer for eternal salvation.

Wait…this is the same place we came the other day to select Mom’s casket. I wonder about turning back the hourglass.

My head slowly turns as my body follows my feet. I recognize no one. I see a chair in the corner and sit down. Maybe if I sit I will sink into the cushion and translate into a different time and space. Someplace where death is unknown. My opportunity to do so is limited…

Dad approaches me, then gestures with the prompt, “It’s time to go in” (go in where? I think to myself.)

I stand – or try to – and realize I’m under “full” sedation now.

“I don’t know if I can make it back there, Dad.” He and my Aunt stand on either side of me and provide their arms to keep me upright.

How ridiculous and embarrassing this is.

We arrive at and pause outside a room down the hall. Inside, there is a silver casket set up. As I recall, Mom asked for a plain wooden box – but the day we came to purchase it they said they didn’t stock that style. Oh – Nooo…Mom is in that silver casket! I stay on the far side of the room.

I watch as people walk in and one by one walk by – then glance. They touch her folded hands, say something quietly and move on. Some say a prayer and then their good-byes.

I am in a blur. I continue to try and edge closer to her casket but fear steps in and I back away. I finally notice my older brother in front of the casket and I go stand next to him. We exchange soft conversation. He leans over and kisses her forehead. Observing him do that makes me grimace…(for some reason I think of Judas kissing Jesus in Gethsemane. I have no idea why)

Even now, in real time I weep heavily as I recall this.

After he kisses her forehead I slowly reach out to touch her folded hands. The hands that held me tightly after waking from a bad dream. The hands that held my hair back when I had a stomach bug, the hands that made the hurt — hurt less — or not at all.

Her hands are like ice. I am horrified. They are hard, cold, devoid of all that makes God’s created body beautiful. Her ash-gray colored skin is unnatural.

This is not normal. I look at her and think silently “Wake Up.” Nothing, no response. In my mind I think, maybe if I say those words out loud, she will come out of this. I whisper “Wake Up – please?” Still nothing.

I cannot believe I am staring at her. I cannot believe she is not breathing. Living. Loving. Laughing. I do not comprehend how this is possible.

I step away and return to the casket a couple more times. It’s not long before staff enter the room and it’s evident that graveside services will proceed. I walk out before they close the lid.

This is sickening.

I do not recall the graveside ceremony. Apparently I took my camera with me that day (for whatever reason???) because I snapped a picture of the group standing in front of her grave. My Dad was front and center of her burial plot. I have not seen that photo in some time. I do not know if I want to see it.

I recall her Memorial service – she had pre-selected her favorite songs to be sung (Just as I Am, Amazing Grace among them) and I vaguely recall the repast (gathering after the funeral and church service)

The memorial service was rough because Mom raised me in church and I attended with her frequently, having started Sunday School there. To be there in her memory and not have her the physically present felt like a radical paradigm shift.

My (future) sister-in-law drove me home following it. Of all things, Home, was the last place I wanted to be. (It really, really hurts to say that right now, too.) I didn’t want to see all these people in the house, I didn’t want to reflect and talk about Mom, in the past-tense…

I wanted this day to be different, but I had no idea how to direct the GPS. So I did all I could do and asked: Please, God, stop this nightmare…

 


 

I’ve spent a few minutes wondering what kind of visual I could give you to emulate what I felt that week and the weeks and months to follow – even 33 plus years later.

I didn’t want to focus on an actual funeral related scene (like Steel Magnolias) because I need to convey something on a different scale that was more complex. More encompassing.

So, here it is:

Gravity Opening: Incoming Debris

I picked this one because the main characters have a brief warning about impending trouble (my Mom battled her illness for 10 months) and when the first of the unthinkable events happen it is so sudden that, well – just watch, you’ll see.

I also picked Gravity because of the reality that we exist on a planet created by Yahuveh Ahava and this earth is under gravitational force. Out in space all the rules are changed and Ryan and Matt face incredible obstacles and choices in an environment not suited to their nature. The day Mom died…I too discovered all the rules changed and I was thrust into the unknown. Those of you who have lost someone know exactly what I’m talking about.

Related Scriptures:

Part of my healing journey in this Testimony Series is to let Him guide me into His Word (and you as well) scriptures that uncover His Truth amidst the pain, suffering so that I  (we) emerge in victory: healed, stronger and healthier. Please seek Him and ask for greater understanding. His Victory – is Ours. By His Stripes, we are healed.

Mark 7:20-23

Mark 8:22-26

Luke 5:4

Luke 6:21

Luke 9:60