Tag Archive | dreams

Inadequate

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I am staring at a blank canvas.

I don’t know what to do with it.

This is part of the reason why I hadn’t blogged the last two months.

I thought God wanted me to take time and breathe.

True, I have been adjusting to eating differently, but that wasn’t ALL of it.

I was questioning my worth. My purpose.

Not my life – that’s not something I need to question.

When God asked me to lay down my “book” dream recently it thrust me into an unknown.

A “black hole,” so to speak.

If I’m really a writer, why is He having me blog?

I’m not complaining, I’m confused.

When I started writing as a girl I wrote for fun. For the love of it. Just because.

The worst part of what I thought was my life-long quest and “dream” to write a book, was that I actually  started writing it, twice.

The first story I worked on is sitting in a slush/recycle pile. And that’s where it will stay.

The second story I have mapped out in different word documents in the last year. Each scene is something that I thought God gave me in different visions. Visions I saw repeatedly, and finally wrote them down.

Then He asked my to lay down the dream. So, there’s no point in printing the scenes I have because they are all disjointed. The aren’t organized, they make no sense. Talk about discombobulated….

I feel like my brain has gone into a time warp status and I am caught in a black hole of thoughts.

There are a laundry list of things I can and should write about. Things that aren’t being addressed in the news. Things that have heightened my sense about where the world is headed and what we need to understand.

I don’t begrudge God about asking me to lay down “my dream” of writing a book. I know HE knows what I’m feeling. What I guess I’ve come to realize is THE book I had on my heart to write was filled with the wrong motivations:

The first book was filled with selfishness. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t in line with God’s Will. I was free to write it and do so in “fun” – but it would never reach the eyes of anyone beyond my own computer screen.

Invisible Nudges

A friend (and you know who you are) told me to start this blog. She also told me that when I get “raw” and “real” in my writing it is really powerful stuff. The problem is getting raw and real is draining.

But two things have happened this week to make me realize God is getting me ready to write what I’ve desperately tried to keep hidden.

I went to a Young Living Essential Oils meeting. At the meeting I took a Zyto scan. It was interesting, not too surprising but certainly a wake-up confirmation. My scan indicated that I had two zones out of “sync” both related to emotions and feelings. No surprise there.

The reality is I am facing a huge battle of spiritual warfare. I am being kept hostage by the enemy. The memories that haunt me are festering. I am a big believer in the concept that the body can heal itself (if given the right platform). Well, I’m starting to see that I am the one in the way. The only way I am going to be able to be emotionally WHOLE ever again is to write it OUT.

I have received feedback several times since I started this blog that I AM A WRITER and I have an amazing gift for writing. I am completely overwhelmed each time I hear that. I almost can’t believe it. The mere compliment brings me to tears. So why does it not spur me on to tackle my own demons?! Simple…again it’s the enemy. He is strangling me with fear of my own shame.

What I realized when I took a Compass Zyto scan this week is that the LONGER I allow pain, the fear, the anger, from manipulation-deceit and betrayal to remain inside – the greater the likelihood it will EAT me ALiVE.

If I don’t let it out and ALLOW God to work through me, the enemy will get what he wants. He will have won. By keeping his lies locked away I give him the advantage. That was never what God intended for me. He intended me to STAND – with HIM. By STAND-ing up and out I WILL be able to have power over Satan. I will be the VICTOR.

 

The title of this blog entry was Inadequate. Why?

Because I have been wanting to write about topics that relate to what’s happening around us and are affecting our everyday lives. Wanting to write about everything from the Blood Moons to the Shemitah. But I am not a Bible scholar. I have no formal education. I am just a mere human being, imperfect, sinful and full of shame. I have hidden myself from the blog-o-sphere lately because I feel inadequate to write.

And THAT is WRONG….

I had forgotten that God directed me to start this; to SHINE HIS LIGHT. Forgotten that HE alone trusts me to follow his directions. Do I feel adequate? Yes. But I needn’t. All I have to do is go back to my little instruction book and pay attention to:

Moses

Noah

Esther

David

Mary

and the big book of players to know WHAT the GREAT I AM expects me to DO.

There is no way I am comparing myself to these heroes/heroine’s of the Bible…but at least I know that as this journey continues I am not alone. Just as they did, I HAVE to TRUST.

I have to believe this is a safe place to write and lay it all out and down. To place it all at the foot of the cross.

I need to be made NEW. I’m tired of the old.

 

 

Father,

I’m scared. Who among us isn’t? Help us to take these fears and surrender them to YOU. The time has come for us to find out who you MADE us to be.

Allow us to find PEACE. I pray that YOU will help me to dig deep from here on out. Help me to release that which binds me and has kept me captive for too long. It’s time to let it go.

Bless me, bless all of us with your Grace, mercy and never ending LoVe.

In Your Name, we pray…Amen.

-Blessings,

Kenzel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Writer’s Wisdom: Letting go of “the dream”

 

 

 

“It’s time to stop running.”

“What do you mean, running? I’m not running from you.”

“I want all of you.”

“You have all of me.”

“No, I don’t.”

 

and that’s when the Holy Spirit got to work on me.

 

“Let go of the book.”

“But why? It’s the only dream I have left…”

“Whose dream?

“Mine!!”

“Are you sure?”

 

(Radio Silence)

 

“Lay it down.”

*Sniff*

“Lay it down.”

“The only thing I’ll have left to write then is the blog.”

“And do you remember why you have that?”

 

(Radio Silence)

 

“Lay it down, HE needs you to LAY it DOWN.”

 

So, I sat in front of my laptop and relinquished my childhood dream. I gave up on writing THE BOOK.

I felt a strange mix of sadness and grief, a bit of mourning and anger. I hadn’t understood WHY HE was asking me to DO this but somehow I knew I needed to comply.

Moments after, I was enlightened to the “why”

 

The Carrot and The Heel

 

I have lived 3 decades with the hope of writing a book. Something to honor my Mom with. I guess I figured it would be like a tribute to her.

But an underlying reason was to make her proud of me….and that was my downfall – for all the wrong reasons.

 

Proverbs 16:17-18 (NLT)

17 The path of the virtuous leads away from evil;
    whoever follows that path is safe.

18 Pride goes before destruction,
    and haughtiness before a fall.

I’ve said before that the enemy is cunning, manipulative and sly.

I’d never seen that the BOOK I believed I wanted so much was actually him, the enemy….dangling a carrot in front of me.

He’s obviously known this weak spot for a while because I’ve worn it like a ball and chain forEVER.

Honestly and freakishly, in the hours and days after I laid down, relinquished and presented this “desire” this “dream” to God – I felt the chains of a burden release. This happened last week.

In hindsight, I am speechless.

God asked me to start a blog. He didn’t ask me to write a book.

I WAS THE ONE who was led to believe that I should write a book – by my oppressor.

And he masked the dream so well….

See, many weeks ago I asked God to help reveal the unexposed sins in my life. To reveal to me, to help me see anything that was causing me to falter in HIS sight. Anything that might be an Achilles heel. Anything that was weakening me as HIS tool.

Please note, until now, I’d forgotten I’d even prayed that prayer. I guess God didn’t.

I’m not upset about THaT book. I’m actually relieved. I now see that what I thought was a “dream” was actually a carnal desire  – an illusion if you will. I really wanted to taste “authorship” and see my work in print. But without God’s guiding hand involved in the process…it was never going to flourish or bloom.

Satan knew my WEAKNESS but God knows what I NEED and what will both bring HIM glory and be a blessing for me.

So, until HE tells me, shows me or otherwise instructs…I guess this blog is HIS venue of choice.

Dear GOD,

Thank you for giving us “exit doors” and evacuation strategies (made possible by your son’s sacrifice). You continually prove to me YOU are a God of your WORD. I don’t know what you expect of me. But I know whatever YOU need me to DO – you will prepare me and equip me for it.

As your WORD states:

21 may he equip you with all you need
    for doing his will.
May he produce in you,
    through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
    All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

God is GOOD ALL the time, and God is ALWAYS GOOD

-Kenzel

 

A Canoe Challenge: Am I Willing? Part I of II

 

canoe

I passed.

I am now Canoe Level 1 certified.

It took a long 18 months to understand how strong the mind is. How powerful fear can be and how good God IS.

This past weekend a group of Girl Scout leaders gathered at a nearby campsite with the instructor (Mike, who was awesome and incredibly patient by the way) and one of the first questions he asked us was our motivation for having signed up. I had a TON of reasons:

I love the water and being out on it.

I wanted to know “I could” do it (take the course and PASS it)

I wanted to meet new people.

I like to learn.

I am a co-leader of a girl scout group and while girl scouts do lots of camping activities,

going out to Canoe on the water is not something the girls get to do a lot of because the number of leaders (Level 1) is a bit harder to find.

Canoeing is a fantastic activity. It gets you out in open air. Gets you out into nature. Gets you away from ANYthing electronic.

Reconnects you to creation.

 

12 months ago (March 2013)

I *WAS* signed up for this exact class last year. I “hmm’ed” and “hawwed” myself from end to end about whether or not I was going to commit to the trip last year, right up until the last minute. I ended up canceling out, not that I’d registered. I felt a profound sense of defeat and frustration.

Quite frankly, the feeling that I had let myself down – it never went away.

Something inside caused me to hesitate though. When I heard the Oklahoma weather was likely not going to cooperate, I backed out. Needless to say, the whole weekend I thought of nothing else but the group that was up at the Lake, going through the motions: I figured they were facing adverse weather where conditions were at best, sustainable. I wasn’t sure, I just had a ‘gut” feeling.

 

Fast forward to May 2014

My opportunity resurfaced to register for Level 1 Certification. I really struggled with going through with this; but not for the reasons you might think.

  1. I was nervous about how cold the lake water might be.
  2. I was nervous about how much I might “bruise” (hey, you have to “heave” your body out of the water into an aluminum boat – you do the math)
  3. I was terrified I’d fail.

I WAS told I was crazy for even wanting to try. Then I had others telling me there was no reason I would fail – it might be hard, but trying doesn’t always lead to failure.

And THAT was the key……The past tense, “I WAS.”

There was no reason I could fail if I tried or would fail if I didn’t give up. But, there was a WAR going on in my mind.

 

One side fighting for the chance and craving success – needing to know if I COULD

BUT

The other side beating me down…WHISPERING at me that it was futile.

WHY bother?

It *would* be too hard,

It *might* hurt to much,

It *might* be too difficult….

The water would be C-O-L-D

 

A few days before the weekend, I was continuing to work on my hobby room. Cleaning up and organizing my messes.

(Nothing new when you’re trying to become organized amidst the chaos.)

And I stopped – and found myself saying this:

 

“Dear God:

I want to take this class.  You know my fears. You know my weaknesses but you KNOW my strengths. Please make that water warm for us out on that lake and the weather cooperate. Please keep us safe.

Please shower us with blessings and good memories. Amen.”

 

I really didn’t think much about it. I was sorta shocked that I’d paused to ask for something so shallow. I really didn’t think it would matter – or make a difference.

 

The four of us “troop leader” candidates were lined up lakeside ready to go in. We were already told that our initial “dunk” wouldn’t happen til later.

But all the same, “cold water” fear gripped each of us…in one manner or another.

It wasn’t until right before we broke for lunch; when I was feeling tired from working my arm muscles and upper torso that I looked at the water and instinctively dipped my hand and let it caress the surface – that I recognized: The water wasn’t cold.

At least it wasn’t ICE-cold, it didn’t seem to “pinch” me like ICE cold water can. It was AL-most pleasant. It may not have been “bath-water” warm like, but deep down I had a “gut-check” that said this would be doable.

One thing I learned (and the instructor was right about) is when you are Canoeing on the water, you are WORKING your body. Just being in a canoe may not seem like exercise…but I have new-found respect and admiration for canoe enthusiasts. It is not a lazy man’s sport. It is a sport that requires use of not just your body, but your mind, logic and lightning speed thinking.

FACING our GIANTS:

Right after lunch we started the requirement for (jumping/vaulting or sliding into the water) and getting back in the canoe.

Bearing in mind that the weather on Saturday/Sunday was forecast for 70/77…I was grateful (considering OK weather can be highly volatile and unpredictable.)

Though we had a right to be nervous, the moment I “slid” into the lake’s water I briefly “gasped” and then….relaxed. Although the water was warm to cool – it was more or less refreshing (I may be the only one who felt this way – I know a couple of the ladies would likely disagree with this perspective: please forgive)

I was still nervous; I’d spent the last 18 months preparing for this day. I knew that I HAD to do it. I’d come too far not to.

But we’d all come too far not to succeed. We all came from different walks of life, from different experiences but one shared goal:

TO FINISH

I will never forget the looks on the faces of the women who shared this “canoe” challenge with me: Amber, Sherrie, and Melissa. And of course, not to exclude the trainers who were with us: Mike, Robert and Christy. I also KNOW they will never forget the look on my face either…whether or not the memories are priceless remains to be seen but – I doubt any of us will forget.

Ultimately, each of us HAD to face something on Saturday and Sunday. Each of us having slightly different motivations all leading us to the same point.

 

We were scared stiff of having to jump in the water.

We were scared we weren’t strong enough to get back in!

We were scared we wouldn’t have the where-with-all to rescue another.

We were SCARED of OURSELVES….at least I was scared I couldn’t RISE to the expectations: both of myself and what I HAD to do.

The “Eye of the Tiger” had me, had us in it’s grip….

Yes, the video I picked to highlight this post is somewhat “cheesy” but fitting. So, I’ve done two things. Included the link to a lyrics ONLY page as well as a link to the original (yes, TOTALLY cheesy) video from: 1983. If nothing all, watch it for sheer entertainment value 😉

You don’t have to watch and listen unless listening to the melody would help. BUT,  “Eye of the Tiger” is fitting (albeit retro) because each of us as “candidates” for certification had an “Eye of The Tiger” moment we had to face to achieve our goal.

 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/survivor/eyeofthetiger.html

 

 

 

I almost wish I had a video of my getting back into the boat. I know it wasn’t pretty. Granted, the exercise itself wasn’t “fun” but the point was knowing HOW to do it.

The bumps and bruises I got this weekend, while uncomfortable are gentle reminders that each of us HAS to experience sorrow, pain or grief as we work our way toward joy, satisfaction and success. Taking control of that “Tiger,” not allowing ourselves to be overcome by fear (be it irrational or not) and giving ourselves the “upper hand” advantage: when you have the opportunity to challenge yourself: will you ALLOW yourself to FACE  it or shrink from it?

It turns out: knowledge and experience means POWER.

How hard are we willing to work to achieve our dream? our goal – no matter how small. How much will we sacrifice (or think we’re sacrificing to make something a reality?)

However as it turned out, my “Eye of the Tiger” wasn’t just about tipping a boat and getting back into it, rescuing someone else or even rescuing a “sunken” canoe…

My “willingness” to take and pass the canoe challenge wasn’t quite over. It got way more personal….

 

Next post: The lesson I wasn’t expecting….