In the last 48 hours, I’ve realizedhow self-centered a daughter I was / I’ve been.
I’ve gained painful insight into what it means to “release” in The Spirit in the last three days.
So, if y’all will indulge me, there are a couple of people I owe some messages of acknowledgement to.
Marla, If you ever read this, Thank you.
I want to publicly Thank you.
The first time I heard your song on Friday, “I See You Smiling” my mouth dropped, gaping in shock.
I listened to it again moments later. My daughter was sitting next to me. I re-started your recording and started to cry…then I cried harder. My daughter held me.
I don’t know if it was the melody or the lyrics or both that prompted my emotional response but I recall this conversational exchange:
As I listened to the lyrics in Marla’s song, thoughts poured in and words in grief and sorrow that I never considered flowed out of my mouth. Until now, I’d never realized my mourning process was incomplete:
“In all these years, I’ve never been able to see Mom in Heaven.”
(Reflecting) I have never been able to get past my own selfish abandonment and I have asked God a decades worth of why’s!!”
(When you are a child, overwhelmed by sorrow – When no one seems to care and you don’t fit into any category because no one can relate to you. How do you sustain?)
Hidden sadness gushed out as tear drops began to cascade. I paused long enough mid-sentence and ran for tissues….”Oh God, I can’t cry. No, not now.”
“Mom, why not?”
“I have to be strong. Tears make me look weak.”
“Mom you’re crying because you’re human.”
I miss you and I realize I always will. There is no way I can’t. But I have been unfair to you. In all these years, I have never been willing to release you back to God. I figured if I held on to you tightly, both in memory and spirit, I wouldn’t have to let go. But if I don’t let go, neither one of us is really free.
Your purpose on earth was completed a long time ago. That’s just the way it is. I know you loved me. And I want you to know, I loved you so, so much. I didn’t get to adequately tell you that during your lifetime, but I’m certain you know it, now. I ask you to forgive me for all the big and small things that hurt you and I forgive myself for not wising up sooner.
Thank you for giving me Life.
Thank you for showing me God’s Love.
Thank you for demonstrating perseverance.
Mother’s Day may not have meaning in Heaven, but nonetheless, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.” I will carry the best parts of you with me from here into Eternity.
I release you into God’s presence. You are His.
Thank You, Elohim, for Blessing me with a woman who Loved you and lived life with your Word written on her heart, in her soul and permeated her Spirit.
I pray that others who are struggling through this Weekend without a Mother will feel comfort through this as well…