Tag Archive | hope

Live To Tell

Please forgive me in advance – because this is rather lengthy.

Some of you may have noticed that about 10 days ago I wrote and initially published a blog post that I then made “Private.” Within hours of having written it, I changed it to a “Private setting.” Something about that post frightened and alarmed me. I just re-read it though and the theme of what I wrote then is very, very similar to what will be shared here.

Suffice it to say, what The Spirit wants, The Spirit gets…

I was just at Trader Joe’s this morning and while perusing the aisles a song came on whose melody I recognized (and I kid you not) it stopped me in my tracks.  I just stood there trying to listen to it as best I could. In that moment, I fought with myself about coming back here to write. It is the song I heard that prompts this message.

This has been a year unlike any other. I’m sure most of you might agree.

It began in the Spring – on a day otherwise known as the “Ides of March.”

I have thought that when I was told the purposes of this blog had been “fulfilled” back in July – that was it. I was finished here. I proceeded to start blogging on my other site. It’s more or less a place for me to post things that very few would ever read. There are 5 people who subscribe…He told me not to expect many people to find it. I started writing my Testimony there. It’s a place to share my life story (His testimony.)

What I didn’t bargain for was realizing how representative that blogsite is…it represents the “narrow road” and “starting over.” It represents my past – but everyone’s future: A blank slate brought about by “The Steamroller” or the subject of the dream you will read about.

On the other site, there are only 5 followers. I don’t feel as “exposed” when I have to start laying out my soul. As one virtual friend – Mikayla – once said “I love it when you get raw in your writing.” That insight was a mixed blessing to hear because while the writing she refers to is powerful that means God is using my writing as a therapeutic means to heal. It means The Holy Spirit is drawing out of me that which I cannot on my own. As such, it leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable. Uncomfortable. Not to mention, it requires I keep a box of tissues at the ready.

When I wrote my last blog testimony about the day I escaped abduction as a Pre-Schooler, the brief comment thread exchange with (reader) Tony took me by surprise. I went so far as to start appealing to God about His directive earlier this week to resume the work of that testimony…

“What you do not understand, daughter, is that your willingness to try is what I SEEK. I need to know that you will be obedient to me, that you will listen.” The bigger lesson came shortly after when I understood that the very lives we lead will eventually depend on our ability to listen and hear Him in the coming days….

 

Wilderness

 

I also thought I had only been in the wilderness since March of this year. As I have taken time to look back – really look back (my arms and hands are beginning to tremble as I write this) I now understand this trip in the Wilderness has actually been a long term experience that began in November of 1983.

When I was following Glynda Lomax more closely I recall her saying that the Wilderness isn’t a place anyone wants to be.

That’s true –  The Wilderness isn’t fun but analyzing the wilderness got me to thinking. The Wilderness is where The ACTION happens but it is also where your FAITH comes to life.

Men and Women who walk this earth today: you are all shaped by your experiences over time. You are not the person you were yesterday and if every day is a Hap-Hap-Happy day with only good in it, you have no opportunity to grow. Challenge and adversity is WHAT allows God to be able to stretch you. To build your faith…

This is what happened to

David facing Goliath, Daniel and The Lion’s; Shadrach Meshach and Abednego and the Furnace; Naomi and Ruth…Esther & The King (Such a Time as This,) and ALL the Bible legends from Genesis through Jesus in The Testament.

Having just finished reading the amazing John Maxwell “Giants” Series every person in the Bible (named and unnamed) matters! By the way,  when I mention “unnamed” that includes YOU, dear reader, …because The Bible is still unfolding!

(Pardon the rabbit trail…)

The day of my near abduction when I was (about) 6 forever changed the framework of how I looked at myself and especially at others. I may have been born into sin…but that brush with that man made me unclean.

The next turning point arrived the day of Mom’s funeral. It was the moment I made myself look at her in that casket. It was the first time as a naive and gullible 15 year old that I had to look death in the face.

That was the moment I stepped into the wilderness and that wilderness would last a while and would be followed by ever-increasing challenges (and the ever increasing, yet unseen, presence of God.)

I recall someone, some time ago telling me in passing what a “strong” person I was. That’s what the Wilderness does to you. But please know, that’s God’s design. He doesn’t do it to be mean. He does it out of love. How do we learn to survive if Immanuel doesn’t work WITH US to understand His Ways?

I mentioned in the last blog post “Purpose Achieved” that I would write here again if called to. Well, I haven’t been called to but that Madonna song really got to me. If it’s possible for a secular song to speak volumes, that one did today. And I really believe you need to hear and know this.

Until I watched this video and looked up the song’s history on line, I did not know “Live to Tell” was released March 26, 1986. It was written for the movie titled, “At Close Range.” Not so coincidentally, March 1986 is the same month and year my Dad died.

This is the song to listen to. Here is the music video:

 

Live to Tell

 

Here is what you need to know,  or what many of you have learned and are in the process of learning:

The Wilderness is a tough place to be. It isn’t fun and it’s anything but pleasant.

But, THE WILDERNESS is COMING. And God does want you ready for it! So LEAN into HIM!

There are many people who have just entered a Wilderness or maybe have been there for the last year or so. But…

There is a WILDERNESS coming that everyone will have to experience. The Wilderness is a direct result of the Steamroller.

I don’t know how I know this, but I do. I don’t know when it will be here but I continue to understand it is JUST AHEAD. This dream excerpt and interpretation will explain why:

 


 

This is from a post earlier this year. After months of prayer I’ve received a full interpretation as to the symbolism…and when it was given I got so nauseous (still am) and began to weep.

Dream – “Steamroller/Steamrolled”

(Originally titled Obstruct)

On Wednesday April 26, around 12:19pm, I was reading the Book of Mysteries and my Bible when I laid down to rest. This is kind of unusual for me mid-day.  But as I set the time for 40 minutes…

I laid down and closed my eyes…ready to just float.

Moments later, just as I started dozing, I saw it. It was a flash that lasted ever so briefly.

I was in a car, I do not know if I was in my car. I do not know if I was the driver. I was on a street I drive everyday. I know exactly where I was.

In front of me appeared a LARGER than life piece of road construction equipment (OR a better visual is equipment used by the Oil and Gas industry when they are working in the fields. I have seen pictures of these types of equipment and they are Gigantic/HUMONGOUS.)

The road I was on is two lanes either direction in addition to a turning lane (and, I am to note, that both in real life and in this dream, just ahead of where I was at is located the “overpass” of a road that runs East/West: 44/66)

This equipment was on my side of the road – taking up BOTH lanes. I was driving Northbound the equipment was heading Southbound. There was one other car ahead of me or in my vicinity, near me.  I have this recollection that the car was white and it was slightly ahead of and, to the side.

It appeared there was no way around this thing without swerving over into the Southbound lanes (or possibly the turning lane) or wait for God’s divine intervention to intercede and move this larger than life monstrosity. But this THING had no business being where it was. In hindsight too, while I was driving it almost felt like in THAT moment time had stopped and there was a “Pause” in the clock.

In the dream, the moment I realized this obstruction was right there – my body jolted me back, I felt this happen and the vision ended. But right before I completely awoke – the weirdest thing happened; I heard the word, “Sutra”

 


 

Here is the interpretation of what I saw:

The equipment in the middle of the road resembled field equipment for oil and gas but in reality it is a “Steamroller” and relates to the book of Isaiah. 

Specifically Isaiah 66. 

Most Specifically I was shown the scripture Isaiah 66:6. The commotion will be across the city, all cities. And God has always said that vengeance would be His.

(One note of interest: Isaiah 66:7 seems to point back to Revelation 12 and there was quite a bit of news this past week regarding the Revelation 12 sign on 9/23. I did not expect anything to happen on 9/23/17 because this occurrence was more of a “time marker.”)

As far as the word “Sutra” (see text in gray near end) is concerned the impact of this steamroller EVENT will be “thread-like” and have “far-reaching effects.”

Because on the flip side, that Steamroller also represents the level of idolatry that man has committed against God in his heart. (Isaiah 44: 9-11)

The last scripture I was guided to include tonight relates to the time mentioned above – 12:19

First, look at Rev 19:12..

Then I flipped over to Rev 12 and looked for Revelation 12:19. ..but there is no 12:19.

Revelation 12:18 is the conclusion of Chapter 12 and leads into Revelation 13: The Beast out of the Sea….

Incidentally, someone was driving that Steamroller…

 

Please take this in Prayer to The Holy Spirit. 

Confirming Scriptures:

Isaiah 66 (Is 66:6)

Isaiah 44:9-10

Related Scriptures:

Part of my healing journey in this Testimony is to let Him guide me into His Word (and you as well) scriptures that uncover His Truth amidst the pain, suffering and lies so that I emerge in victory: healed, stronger and healthier.

Luke 7: 24-25


These were my own, initial, attempts to figure out the dream

Now I have contemplated that word and what I heard. I looked up it’s definition. “Sutra” is Sanskrit for “thread.” Hmm

Today, I continued contemplating that word. “Why Sutra, why did I hear that word?” Then a couple seconds later (as I’m driving this morning) I start to think…hmm, “Sutra” sounds really close in pronunciation to “Suture.”

I am familiar with the word Suture in general, but I looked it up:

Suture, literally meaning “seam”, may refer to:

Original Scripture Verses that accompany this message:

I first understood to look up the Book of Isaiah

Isaiah 66

Isaiah 44

Then I proceeded to look up

1 Corinthians 12:19

Luke 12:19

Romans 12:19

 

Advertisements

Love vs Chaos: Land of Confusion

 

I recall I started watching this video sometime in the last year, but didn’t get to finish it.

 

Today, I finished it and was then given a message to share

 

What is the meaning of Life?

I was crying before the video was over because before the gentleman finished his testimony I heard, in The Spirit, “Love is the Meaning” only moments before his words were verbalized.

 

“Unprecedented times, the unknown before you. How much time do you need to believe?

Too many among you already go through the days with hardened hearts. Are you among those who put your focus on what you can see, on your social media “shares” and on what you can accumulate and moments later, replace?

Your beating heart means something to ME. Love is the answer but wrong choices are being made. What you see happening before you is but a silhouette of what is to come. Too many believe that time is infinite – when in fact – it is finite.

THIS LIFE IS FINITE –

MY LIFE – ETERNITY is INFINITE

You believe in that which you create but not in the ONE who created. (Genesis 1:1-27)

Time will not stand still because I AM time.

The fragment of time you have been given is your opportunity to exercise that gift – Do you USE that gift or squander it?

Has My Son not told you that the Greatest of these is Love?

That Love He has spoken of is THE meaning behind all the mysteries you long to understand!

For those with ears to hear, hear this now:

if you wish you understand

what this life – your life – is ABOUT?

ASK

How you live your life is your gift to me but my ULTIMATE gift to you – beyond your beating heart – beyond eternity in Heaven –

is you WALKING into the fullness of your

DESTINY: Here/Now on Earth.

Each of you has one; a Destiny. But few of you ever to bother asking me if your goals and motivations are truly an “unction” of my calling to you or simply the temptations of the world calling upon your conscious, carnal, thinking mind.

By now, you should realize nothing is as it seems. Time, things and events will only escalate. If you read MY WORD, this you know and already understand. If you have not read my WORD – start now…

The Land of Confusion is before you and on the path ahead. What will you do with what you know? Trust only ME. If you do not know your Destiny – ASK ME.”

The title of this song, “Land of Confusion,” is what I understood I was to share with this message. Many of you know it’s a song from the group Genesis (1986). I am posting the lyrics along with it because the video is just too complicated (and really creepy) and does not include them.

Land of Confusion – Genesis

Lyrics – Land of Confusion

Matthew 7:7-12

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

King James Version (KJV)

Public Domain

 

Thru The EF-1 Rains

I had driven across the river to an antiques shop.

Decades ago after my mother passed, I had inherited some sort of pink statue from her. It has been sitting on top of a desk for years – and I had always wondered about it.

Today was the day I went out to see what I could learn about it.

This items seems to be in the shape of a “Japanese Monk” and it’s made of Jade. By the time that was determined, I looked outside for probably the 3rd time. The storm was really close because the ominous black clouds were no longer in the distance, they were overhead.

I walked out the door greeted by drops of rain and got in my car. Within a minute, the rain appeared to fall from the sky like a blanket. I got to the light before crossing the bridge and wondered how bad things could get. I stayed 25-30mph in the 40 across the Arkansas.

It continued to pour and cars around me were going super slow…some had pulled over to the side. I made one additional stop before heading home and as I drove up the hill and the road narrowed that’s when “things” started to feel hairy… The rain was worsening and even with my wipers on high I couldn’t keep the windshield clear. It was as if the sky had opened up and bucket upon bucket upon bucket of blankets of water were being poured out.

It was about this time when all I could see was headlights through the windshield and I could no longer make out the shapes of automobiles that I was PROMPTED to sing as I drove. Outta no where I started to sing “Jesus loves me…” (I barely remember singing it in hindsight but within moments of singing it I KNEW I wasn’t alone.) If I was feeling any anxiety before it was replaced by Yahveh’s Peace washing over and through me. By this point, I was about 2 minutes from home.

That storm cell was a “do-zey” – and I didn’t know it but a tornado watch had been put into effect


Thirty minutes later as I was driving, the skies above were mostly blue. While the storm water retention ponds were full many low road points were overflowing one might never have known by looking “up” that a thunderstorm had just passed. Further North and East it was a different story – dark looking clouds were re-gathering momentum and continuing their pursuit.

It was in these “after” moments that I thought back to a radio show where Glynda Lomax had spoken of having to take shelter in her tiny storm closet and as a she waited through a tornado warning, She began to sing, “Praise you in This Storm” and the Peace of Jesus just washed through her.

God’s Power is infinite and His peace is activated through our Praises.

Glory Be to Elohim!


This is what the skies above looked like during the afternoon’s Severe weather outbreak: an EF-1 Tornado was the result.

-Kenzel

 

A Snapshot: “Kenzel Mind”

Someone asked me not long ago…”How do you think?”

How do I think? It felt like that was asking me how I write or eat or wash my face. At first…at first I almost thought it was silly. Until I realized how serious a question it was – and remains

I have struggled with needing to write some blog posts. I’ve received some Words of Knowledge I’m believing I’m supposed to share but that is not something I have ever done on this blog. (Sorry for random spontaneity…)

Tonight, reading Day 117 of Book of Mysteries – the scriptures the lesson referenced was from the book of Matthew 6:33. Which says in essence that He will give you all you need each day – day to day, if you live for Him.

To say that the last month has been difficult would be an understatement. I have had to take enormous amounts of time and reflect on life; 33 plus years worth of time. No joke. (and not coincidentally I just noted the scripture reference of Matthew 6:33 and reflecting on 33 years of life….Hmm: Confirmation.)

It turns out it this journey in the wilderness the past month was a Self-Evaluation of sort provided as a means for God to show me that He is not just Sovereign and Holy and Righteous – but Wise and Loving.  He possesses an all-consuming Love that swallows up anything that doesn’t reflect HIM. In essence, He was showing me His “God Strategy” for life.

The “God Strategy” is really simple. Not easily followed…nor replicated but simple to identify, at least in theory.  God gave us Jesus and we were to follow His example as we journey through life. It sounds easy- right? It’s anything but.

 

Snippet of Soul Surfer (Shark Attack) – Graphic Re-enactment

 

The God Strategy runs counter-intuitive to EVERYthing we are as human beings. Whether saved or un-saved, we have a tendency to want to lean on our prideful, arrogant, self-centered hearts and minds.

Jesus was none of those. He came to show us what we COULD be:

Selfless-Humble-Empathetic and loving others with Agape

In the past 33 years, I buried both parents and witnessed funerals of countless relatives and friends… the young, the old.

I have witnessed how bitterness can swallow up everything that is good in man as well as how un-forgiveness can lead to utter destruction.

I have witnessed the effects of what alcoholism can do to a person – not just one person, but two…as well as the life long effects of everyone to whom those persons came in contact.

Through everything, the good, the bad – the heartache…the tears. I have almost gotten to the point of being “cried out” where I have almost no tears left to cry. And that’s when Jesus told me…that was not by accident.

Through the decades, you’ve cried and cried and then cried some more.

Mankind looks at tears as something to flee from. As though tears will weaken the human psyche. But truth may seem stranger than fiction.

Keeping physically fit is paramount in the minds of many…but like anything good, some motivations (without balance) can become an idol. When men and women exercise, the body sweats. The overall benefit to the body is an increase in strength within the body muscles: “Strength training” it’s often called. The same holds true for building your “spiritual muscles” and “empathy empowerment” when you cry. So, where physical fitness is admired and sought after, showing our emotions is looked at as anything but…

What most have never bothered to ponder are the strength in crying tears. Tears aren’t just an outlet for emotions. Tears are a powerhouse method for the building up of the person within.

This might sound counter-intuitive but think about it. Every time you’ve cried, it seems to cause a release in the body. In truth, tears are The Father’s formula to build strength.

Consider Maundy Thursday…when Jesus went to Gethsemane. He went with his disciples to pray. While Jesus was there He found himself in the fight of His “carnal” life. That night was a “Macro” snapshot of His life. He had come on a selfless mission – as a tiny baby destined to eventually be the ultimate sacrifice of Agape Love. That Thursday night in the Garden He fought his flesh. His sweat fell to the ground like they were great drops of blood (Luke 22:44) and He asked His Father for strength.

Jesus knows our plight. He knows our hurts and what makes us tick, happy, frustrated…even content.

I’ve spent the last month contemplating “The how do I think” question…and the answer is that I don’t know because I’ve always HAD to turn to God for direction. He wrote the book of my life and I’m just “walking it out.” That’s how I look at each day, it’s how I’ve had to look at each day since 1983.

Yes, I have a calendar with appointments on it but God is really the controller. I recognized this a while back. I go where He leads…I wouldn’t want to navigate these waters on my own or by myself. That wasn’t His intention anyway.

The truth is, the “how do I think” question is an everyday, hour by hour struggle of Ephesians 6:10-18. From an early age, I faced unusual circumstances that left me confused, shaken and orphaned. Before I was even a Senior in High School I was asking more questions about the “obscure” things of Life and Heaven than anyone on earth had answers for. There finally came a point I stopped asking people around me anything – because no one could relate.

Everything about who I am – how I think and feel was shaped by The Father’s plans for my life;  to quote Bethany Hamilton from Soul Surfer (1:31 seconds)

(To paraphrase and emphasize her point: “I wouldn’t want to go back and change what happened to me because, it happened for a reason, it provided a way for God to work and show His Glory….”)

Before I close for the night, here’s one more memory to share. I remember attending an Irish Wake with my Dad when I was 16. It was weird talking to the guy for whom the Wake was being presented but before he moved on to talk with another guest he said: “It’s been a pleasure talking with you…you have an amazing attitude and perspective. You’re gonna do great things.”  Well, whatever I’m gonna do in this life is really on God’s To-do list — and I’m just watching it unfold.

The very first link I included in this post was the Bethany Hamilton re-enactment. I have been led to watch several sections of this movie since March. The Father needed to remind me that though we can’t always see HOW He is working – we have to know that He is working ALL things together – to give us Hope and Purpose: (Soul Surfer RAD Night ) (1min in length)

Now, it’s time to share the finale of the movie (or at least a snippet) –   Soul Surfer – Final Wave (2:18)

(I should add that while the final wave scene is really cool in itself, the close up scene of Bethany’s face while surfing “the barrel” is pertinent as it relates to an earlier scene right after the shark attack during her emergency trip to the ER.)

 

May all of God’s Blessings be yours and May you be a Blessing unto others….

Kenzel

 

Are you STILL searching?

Please watch this lyric video…before reading the rest of message

Rise – Danny Gokey

 

The only part of the video I don’t agree with is where it says “we are small, we are insignificant.”

As a human being goes, in the picture of creation…our bodies may be small as compared to the size of the earth, planets or galaxies. But that doesn’t mean we are insignificant. In fact, scripture says quite the opposite. The Word of God says we are Called by Name by our Creator (Isaiah 43:1). I’d say that makes us anything BUT insignificant!

I started this entry with this specific video because the photos from space and the galaxies were so incredibly amazing – And so useful for what our Heavenly Father wants YOU to know.

The World is facing interesting times. There is MUCH uncertainty. It feels as if we are on shifting sand as far as both Politics and the Economy are concerned.  Men and women wonder what will happen from one moment to the next and how it will affect them?

These are all valid concerns. But maybe, there is something else we should be focusing on…something that has been forgotten. Your destiny.

 

Did you know that when you were born, you arrived with a destiny to fulfill? I’m not talking about the idea of “What do you want to be when you grew up.” I’m talking about the person God intended you to be even before the day of your birth.

Through the course of our lives, we tend to try to “figure out” where we would BEST fit in – what our skills and aptitudes are. What we’re good at. We try to do this all on our own. Sometimes even taking personality tests (in High School/College) to help “guide us.” Our parents and families will often do their best to help navigate this process as well.

Even with the best of intentions though…how well does that really work out? How many of us actually find our TRUE calling? Before you say, “Oh yeah, I’m there…doing what I’m meant to do. I like my job a lot…” that’s not what this is about.

I’m talking about whether you might actually KNOW what your God given destiny in this life really IS. As in, have your ever taken time to ask God – that question…?

 

“God, What would you have me do?

What is MY Destiny?”

A lot of you are going to likely think this sounds silly. But how many reading this, have even on the BEST of days – actually thought…”What is there? Could be MORE?”

The MORE is all about what God had intended for you to accomplish while you were alive and living – in the HereNowToday.

The point IS if You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and since God already knows the number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7) What would it mean – FOR YOU – to find out what God already has planned for you? He knows us better than we know ourselves (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

If you are searching for more, then maybe you are searching because He is calling out to you…and saying there is:

More Than You Think waiting for you!

 

Remember to ask! Ask, SEEK, FIND!

Matthew 7: 9-13

9And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. 10For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 11If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? 12Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? 13If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

 

Season’s – A Time for Everything

Although I have been reluctant to post a blog for quite a while. I need to refocus. I know myself well enough to recognize that writing is the pathway for God to help me accomplish goals like this.

This whole “journey” – years ago started off with a blog and with the twists and turns of the past weeks this almost feels like something I need to do. This particular post is for me – a letter from me to The Father, in Heaven.

Father God,

I love you but as part of your carnal human creation, it’s obvious, I don’t always understand your ways. It has been decades since I was in a place such as this.

Last week I was a in a daze. I should have been more focused on the quilt but trying to focus on anything other than day to day, was just out of reach.

Earlier this week you had me go back and listen to some of The Wilderness Series messages. It was with that first video that I wondered if you were speaking right to me.

If I am in the Wilderness, if that’s what this is? Then why? I have guesses and theories but above and beyond that I have submitted to you that you are The Potter and I am the Clay. What do I need to understand? Help me to work with you so we can progress forward.

I have been in the thick of the Wilderness before…during the years after Mom and Dad died. If I am in The Wilderness, Father  – Yahveh Ahavah, please help guide me out of this as quickly as possible. You already know my thoughts – And you know this is NOT a place I want to be.  I am searching for you…in your Word, via Book of Mysteries, in prayer and praise. Thank you for giving me Isaiah 61 and Isaiah 51.

In the meantime, While I’m waiting, I will work on the quilt and other tasks at hand.

I’ll continue listening… and I know you will answer.

Scripture I was given to include:

Ecclesiates 3:1-8

Ecclesiates 3:11

 

 

 

 

The Last Reformation

I watched this movie last week.
Whatever your thoughts are about the Book of Acts or the Power of the Holy Spirit – this full length movie (1:39) is worth the time.
I had to view it in sections to watch it from beginning to end. Nevertheless, it is really cool documentary!

Revelations: God’s Plans & Purpose

When my Mom died in 1983, it caught me completely off-guard and totally unprepared.

I was 14 when we found out she had a terminal illness in February (on the 14th – Valentines Day to be exact. Maybe that’s why I have a distaste for this “holiday?”).

It was a rough 9 months to watch her waste away.

At the time of her “prognosis” I’d never been to a funeral, I’d never seen a dead person.

The first person I knew of that had died was my Grandma. I only had one G-ma I ever knew. She had passed a few years before. At the time, I was probably about 11 years old. My Dad had flown back to the funeral and I stayed home with Mom.

 

Two and a half years after I watched Mom be “laid to rest,” (in November ’83) my Dad collapsed at work.

(I hadn’t been living with him at home at the time. It is a very long story I might be able to expand on later, now is not the time. I don’t even know if this blog is the place. I am wrestling with God about how far to take this story on this blog.)

When Dad was in the hospital, I was still mourning mom’s death and completely lost. Dad’s passing was sudden. He was in ICU for about 5 days. I was 17. My world completely “shifted” at the time my Mom died, and it was about to be shifted again. This time I was being swept from a whirlwind into a hurricane. 

The day Dad died, I felt like I sank into a black hole. I was caught in a vacuum of nothingness. In hindsight, it was frightening.

Not frightening like the movie theater kind of fear, but frightening like the nightmare you have that you can’t seem to wake up from – and even once you do wake up your reality is so distorted you aren’t sure where you are! You try to make yourself stay awake, even though it would be impossible to get back to sleep. In this case, once the nightmare began for me, it lasted for over a year.

A Spiritual Search

I have been searching for answers for decades. Because God is the Creator of our souls, our minds, spirits and bodies. He knows each of us better than we know ourselves.

The fact that I am here writing is something only he could have orchestrated.

How do I know this is true? Because I survived not just my parents deaths but different forms of abuse after I was placed in the care of others (another long “memoir” story.)

Without a doubt, I know that the hand of God has been involved in my life since the start. His mighty angels surrounded me (even when I could not see them).

A fellow blogger, Dana, has been writing about surviving the death of her Dad. It was her post earlier today that prompted me to write this.

I’ve also been reading other stories of those who are currently struggling through loss and trying to handle grief. It doesn’t matter how old you are: 5 years old or 90. Having to let go of somehow you love is HARD and difficult to comprehend…let alone move forward and “thrive.”

I am going to be blunt. Grief sucks. There is an old cliche that is so overused but continues to make its rounds and that is: “time heals all wounds.”

Pardon my language, but I call “BULL!”

Time does not heal wounds. It shouldn’t! We can’t turn back the clock. God did not design time to work that way. Time MARCHES on!

Our wounds exist for a purpose, that much I have learned. Without challenge, without heartache, we learn nothing. This thought might not be “popular” but truth doesn’t seem to be nowadays.

After 30 years of praying to understand why I had to let my parents go when I did, why I’ve cried Oceans of tears each time my heart, mind, spirit and body were broken…I finally received revelation recently:

Me

“God, Why did you take my parents away from me? Why did you let me become an orphan?”

God

“Daughter, you have always been precious to me. Your parents loved you deeply. They did not want to leave you, and I shared that with you years ago. As to you why you were ‘orphaned’ – that too was part of my plan.

Though your relationship with your parents was critical during your childhood – your closeness to them would have, eventually, become your undoing. I know this doesn’t make sense right now.

The plans I had for you – the plans I have prepared for you (Jeremiah 29:11) are in place and You ARE progressing. I know you felt cheated by their death. I know your time with them FELT very short time.

However, I needed to draw you closer to ME.

I did not relish witnessing the things you went through. I was there, through it all. I have collected every tear. I have recorded every spoken word and deed, every thought. You spent High School enduring refining fires – fires that no one knew about. You walked through darkness and you have battle scars.

Crying is ok, the tears you once shed out of betrayal will now be tears that help you heal. The words you write with my leading will help others heal.

Rachel, told you that you are stronger than you know, you have heard others say this before and still a seed of doubt exists.

The truth is, I needed the events to unfold all those decades ago as they did in order to build your mind, body, soul and spirit for what IS to come.

 

Only the Strong will survive and thrive. Only those totally grounded in ME will be prepared for what lies ahead.

 

Why did your parents die so young?

Because I NEEDED you to FOCUS on me.

I needed you to not be distracted by the things of this world or by the hopes that your parents had for you.

Know this, Your experience is not and will not be wasted.

Your losses will bring others HOPE  — Watch and See.

 

I needed you to know that I am the Alpha and Omega, The First and the Last. I needed you to walk through the valleys and face the most difficult hardships to recognize that through it ALL – you would not walk alone.

You never have, you never will.

My Son and The Holy Spirit are with you.”

 

God will never leave us or forsake us. The sting of death is real but our tears, our heartache are temporary because Jesus conquered death! 

BELIEVE in Jesus and His work on the cross;

as He said, “It is Finished!”

Kenzel

 

 

 

 

 

Converging Pathways

 

I heard this song on the morning drive. I had to work really hard to keep my eyes clear (from tears) and focused on the road.

This song (Tell your Heart to Beat again) is EXACTLY where I am. This is why I have to trust God to help me write. I can’t do it alone. As confusing as my story has been, it’s starting to make more sense.

I’m not alone in the struggles I’ve faced (though the enemy would like us – YOU and I – to THINK so.)

It’s time to step into the Light of Grace. I’ve followed God’s Light it for too long and not recognized I need to claim it; it’s time to GRAB onto the hand God is holding out for me AND hold it.

Each stanza in the lyrics of this song take me to a specific time and place in my past.

A place where God was guiding my hand and leading me toward the future- toward today.

Sometimes God walks us through situations that we will only understand in hindsight.

God is amazing. He has provided me with what seems like extraordinary experiences that allowed the healing process to begin. This is a process that has happened, without my actually knowing it.

That is Grace.

But the real power of God’s Mercy is my writing about it.

God used Jesus as his divine tool to fix a broken world… But, just like Jesus sweat tears (as of blood) in Gethsemane I too have been reluctant and fighting my purpose. Without putting in my own sweat equity, the results of my healing will be limited.

It is on this pathway that He will do something far beyond healing the scrapes and bruises that have shaped ME.

He wants to use these battle scars to help others to believe: He is the Great Healer, Physician and Counselor.

So, Thank you: Linda and Andi, Peggy and Debra for those “Writing” reminders. As Mikayla said, (the day this blogging process started): God is into Restoration and Redemption. He IS Faithful.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again – Danny Gokey

 

With God,

Everything is possible.

With God,

Everything Matters.

 

Blessings to All!

– Kenzel