Tag Archive | surrender

Inadequate

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I am staring at a blank canvas.

I don’t know what to do with it.

This is part of the reason why I hadn’t blogged the last two months.

I thought God wanted me to take time and breathe.

True, I have been adjusting to eating differently, but that wasn’t ALL of it.

I was questioning my worth. My purpose.

Not my life – that’s not something I need to question.

When God asked me to lay down my “book” dream recently it thrust me into an unknown.

A “black hole,” so to speak.

If I’m really a writer, why is He having me blog?

I’m not complaining, I’m confused.

When I started writing as a girl I wrote for fun. For the love of it. Just because.

The worst part of what I thought was my life-long quest and “dream” to write a book, was that I actually  started writing it, twice.

The first story I worked on is sitting in a slush/recycle pile. And that’s where it will stay.

The second story I have mapped out in different word documents in the last year. Each scene is something that I thought God gave me in different visions. Visions I saw repeatedly, and finally wrote them down.

Then He asked my to lay down the dream. So, there’s no point in printing the scenes I have because they are all disjointed. The aren’t organized, they make no sense. Talk about discombobulated….

I feel like my brain has gone into a time warp status and I am caught in a black hole of thoughts.

There are a laundry list of things I can and should write about. Things that aren’t being addressed in the news. Things that have heightened my sense about where the world is headed and what we need to understand.

I don’t begrudge God about asking me to lay down “my dream” of writing a book. I know HE knows what I’m feeling. What I guess I’ve come to realize is THE book I had on my heart to write was filled with the wrong motivations:

The first book was filled with selfishness. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t in line with God’s Will. I was free to write it and do so in “fun” – but it would never reach the eyes of anyone beyond my own computer screen.

Invisible Nudges

A friend (and you know who you are) told me to start this blog. She also told me that when I get “raw” and “real” in my writing it is really powerful stuff. The problem is getting raw and real is draining.

But two things have happened this week to make me realize God is getting me ready to write what I’ve desperately tried to keep hidden.

I went to a Young Living Essential Oils meeting. At the meeting I took a Zyto scan. It was interesting, not too surprising but certainly a wake-up confirmation. My scan indicated that I had two zones out of “sync” both related to emotions and feelings. No surprise there.

The reality is I am facing a huge battle of spiritual warfare. I am being kept hostage by the enemy. The memories that haunt me are festering. I am a big believer in the concept that the body can heal itself (if given the right platform). Well, I’m starting to see that I am the one in the way. The only way I am going to be able to be emotionally WHOLE ever again is to write it OUT.

I have received feedback several times since I started this blog that I AM A WRITER and I have an amazing gift for writing. I am completely overwhelmed each time I hear that. I almost can’t believe it. The mere compliment brings me to tears. So why does it not spur me on to tackle my own demons?! Simple…again it’s the enemy. He is strangling me with fear of my own shame.

What I realized when I took a Compass Zyto scan this week is that the LONGER I allow pain, the fear, the anger, from manipulation-deceit and betrayal to remain inside – the greater the likelihood it will EAT me ALiVE.

If I don’t let it out and ALLOW God to work through me, the enemy will get what he wants. He will have won. By keeping his lies locked away I give him the advantage. That was never what God intended for me. He intended me to STAND – with HIM. By STAND-ing up and out I WILL be able to have power over Satan. I will be the VICTOR.

 

The title of this blog entry was Inadequate. Why?

Because I have been wanting to write about topics that relate to what’s happening around us and are affecting our everyday lives. Wanting to write about everything from the Blood Moons to the Shemitah. But I am not a Bible scholar. I have no formal education. I am just a mere human being, imperfect, sinful and full of shame. I have hidden myself from the blog-o-sphere lately because I feel inadequate to write.

And THAT is WRONG….

I had forgotten that God directed me to start this; to SHINE HIS LIGHT. Forgotten that HE alone trusts me to follow his directions. Do I feel adequate? Yes. But I needn’t. All I have to do is go back to my little instruction book and pay attention to:

Moses

Noah

Esther

David

Mary

and the big book of players to know WHAT the GREAT I AM expects me to DO.

There is no way I am comparing myself to these heroes/heroine’s of the Bible…but at least I know that as this journey continues I am not alone. Just as they did, I HAVE to TRUST.

I have to believe this is a safe place to write and lay it all out and down. To place it all at the foot of the cross.

I need to be made NEW. I’m tired of the old.

 

 

Father,

I’m scared. Who among us isn’t? Help us to take these fears and surrender them to YOU. The time has come for us to find out who you MADE us to be.

Allow us to find PEACE. I pray that YOU will help me to dig deep from here on out. Help me to release that which binds me and has kept me captive for too long. It’s time to let it go.

Bless me, bless all of us with your Grace, mercy and never ending LoVe.

In Your Name, we pray…Amen.

-Blessings,

Kenzel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My True Valentine: A letter from John

I’ve been contemplating for more than a week about writing a Valentine’s post.

I thought about hosting a book give-away, but that would be hard since I’m as yet unpublished.

I contemplated a lot of options.

I contemplated because I was procrastinating. I was procrastinating because (unfortunately) Valentine’s is not one of my favorite “holidays”.

Yes, A lot of things about me are typically female.

I like flowers.

I like candy (ok, maybe I don’t need to eat it).

I’m not opposed to enjoying a nice glass of red (though I don’t drink much anymore).

I am procrastinating because of my frustration with the commercialization of Valentine’s Day; and our “American Affair.”

I don’t watch much TV anymore and I’m glad, because the onslaught of Valentine’s advertising turns my gut. I’m wouldn’t be opposed to jewelry, diamonds and gems…but every time I read 1 Peter 3:3 and balance that against the thought of so many that have to choose between putting food on the table and staying warm…well, you get my drift.

Yes, I think heavy; that’s how God made me. One of my former supervisors (my junior year in college) told me point blank that I was the most analytical person she’d ever met. I heard that with mixed reactions but have since convinced myself that being SO ANALYTICAL is a good thing.

The “Commercialization” of Valentines (or any other holiday) takes the meaning away from the intent. On Valentines, what are our eyes besieged with? Red and pink hearts, romance and love, flowers and on and on. I am not here to rain on anyone’s parade only to shed light on why getting caught up in this culturally driven machine of “more, more, more” and “spend, spend, spend” – “want, want want” WILL never satisfy or satiate us. We were not designed this way, even if the world we live in – is.

Here is my analysis of why:

We are people. People are created beings with immense potential to love.
The love we have can’t be taken from us

but the love we share with others offers exponential growth potential

I’ve been spending a fair amount of time with God in His Word. Curiously enough, I’m drawn to it. While I know many people shy away or fear opening those rice paper thin pages; each time I do God’s direction comes through loud and clear in some way, shape or form.

Ten years ago, if I tried to open the bible it literally read “like Greek” to me. Nothing made sense. That was frustrating.

Then 7 years ago; when I believed I was dying. It all changed. I will write about it…but that will be a day long project. On that day, that night…God got a hold of my heart and help me understand what Love is.

Love is about surrender. (Job 11:13-15)

Love is about sacrifice (Romans 12)

Love conquers All – want to know how I know? (1 Peter 4:8)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

The message of Valentines day has much less to do with what you give or receive TODAY and much more to do with a promise made long before you and I ever arrived on the earth. The essence of Valentines Day is a spiritual one.  It’s one that leaves me content and feeling peace.

(Romans 5:8) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Yes, I am banking my Valentines Day happiness on a verse from scripture. Why wouldn’t I?

I don’t know anyone who would lay down their life for me…(and God was aware of this problem as well)

Someone who LOVED me even with all my flaws JUST because. To save me from myself.

Someone who KNeW if they didn’t sacrifice, then I didn’t have a chance

In fact, the meaning of true love is perfectly shown through Christ’s remarkable gift of mercy.

Jesus Loved YOU, He Love ME so much….

that He was willing to put his life on the line

and die to prove it:

JOHN: 3:16

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

The more I consider this post and this date on the calendar the more I realize that giving and sharing God’s Love, HIS Love, the love of Christ is what we were commanded to do EVERYday .

We all have a purpose.

We were born and created to be something…our presence HERE is no accident

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

It’s easy to look at Valentines Day as a material – event..but it is so much more fulfilling to live loving each other like Christ did:

Love the sinner, not the sin….every day.

So, when I speak of my letter from John as my ONE true Valentine I am referring to John 3:16 and rest assured: God knows that you’re worth it!

-Kenzel