Inadequate

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I am staring at a blank canvas.

I don’t know what to do with it.

This is part of the reason why I hadn’t blogged the last two months.

I thought God wanted me to take time and breathe.

True, I have been adjusting to eating differently, but that wasn’t ALL of it.

I was questioning my worth. My purpose.

Not my life – that’s not something I need to question.

When God asked me to lay down my “book” dream recently it thrust me into an unknown.

A “black hole,” so to speak.

If I’m really a writer, why is He having me blog?

I’m not complaining, I’m confused.

When I started writing as a girl I wrote for fun. For the love of it. Just because.

The worst part of what I thought was my life-long quest and “dream” to write a book, was that I actually  started writing it, twice.

The first story I worked on is sitting in a slush/recycle pile. And that’s where it will stay.

The second story I have mapped out in different word documents in the last year. Each scene is something that I thought God gave me in different visions. Visions I saw repeatedly, and finally wrote them down.

Then He asked my to lay down the dream. So, there’s no point in printing the scenes I have because they are all disjointed. The aren’t organized, they make no sense. Talk about discombobulated….

I feel like my brain has gone into a time warp status and I am caught in a black hole of thoughts.

There are a laundry list of things I can and should write about. Things that aren’t being addressed in the news. Things that have heightened my sense about where the world is headed and what we need to understand.

I don’t begrudge God about asking me to lay down “my dream” of writing a book. I know HE knows what I’m feeling. What I guess I’ve come to realize is THE book I had on my heart to write was filled with the wrong motivations:

The first book was filled with selfishness. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t in line with God’s Will. I was free to write it and do so in “fun” – but it would never reach the eyes of anyone beyond my own computer screen.

Invisible Nudges

A friend (and you know who you are) told me to start this blog. She also told me that when I get “raw” and “real” in my writing it is really powerful stuff. The problem is getting raw and real is draining.

But two things have happened this week to make me realize God is getting me ready to write what I’ve desperately tried to keep hidden.

I went to a Young Living Essential Oils meeting. At the meeting I took a Zyto scan. It was interesting, not too surprising but certainly a wake-up confirmation. My scan indicated that I had two zones out of “sync” both related to emotions and feelings. No surprise there.

The reality is I am facing a huge battle of spiritual warfare. I am being kept hostage by the enemy. The memories that haunt me are festering. I am a big believer in the concept that the body can heal itself (if given the right platform). Well, I’m starting to see that I am the one in the way. The only way I am going to be able to be emotionally WHOLE ever again is to write it OUT.

I have received feedback several times since I started this blog that I AM A WRITER and I have an amazing gift for writing. I am completely overwhelmed each time I hear that. I almost can’t believe it. The mere compliment brings me to tears. So why does it not spur me on to tackle my own demons?! Simple…again it’s the enemy. He is strangling me with fear of my own shame.

What I realized when I took a Compass Zyto scan this week is that the LONGER I allow pain, the fear, the anger, from manipulation-deceit and betrayal to remain inside – the greater the likelihood it will EAT me ALiVE.

If I don’t let it out and ALLOW God to work through me, the enemy will get what he wants. He will have won. By keeping his lies locked away I give him the advantage. That was never what God intended for me. He intended me to STAND – with HIM. By STAND-ing up and out I WILL be able to have power over Satan. I will be the VICTOR.

 

The title of this blog entry was Inadequate. Why?

Because I have been wanting to write about topics that relate to what’s happening around us and are affecting our everyday lives. Wanting to write about everything from the Blood Moons to the Shemitah. But I am not a Bible scholar. I have no formal education. I am just a mere human being, imperfect, sinful and full of shame. I have hidden myself from the blog-o-sphere lately because I feel inadequate to write.

And THAT is WRONG….

I had forgotten that God directed me to start this; to SHINE HIS LIGHT. Forgotten that HE alone trusts me to follow his directions. Do I feel adequate? Yes. But I needn’t. All I have to do is go back to my little instruction book and pay attention to:

Moses

Noah

Esther

David

Mary

and the big book of players to know WHAT the GREAT I AM expects me to DO.

There is no way I am comparing myself to these heroes/heroine’s of the Bible…but at least I know that as this journey continues I am not alone. Just as they did, I HAVE to TRUST.

I have to believe this is a safe place to write and lay it all out and down. To place it all at the foot of the cross.

I need to be made NEW. I’m tired of the old.

 

 

Father,

I’m scared. Who among us isn’t? Help us to take these fears and surrender them to YOU. The time has come for us to find out who you MADE us to be.

Allow us to find PEACE. I pray that YOU will help me to dig deep from here on out. Help me to release that which binds me and has kept me captive for too long. It’s time to let it go.

Bless me, bless all of us with your Grace, mercy and never ending LoVe.

In Your Name, we pray…Amen.

-Blessings,

Kenzel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Inadequate

  1. Kenzel thank you so much for your transparency. You visited my blog yesterday and I knew I wanted to stop in a see what God had you to share. I also feel inadequate and just move forward knowing that God will give me the words He wants written. I look forward to reading as you continue moving closer to the story God wants you to tell. God bless!

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    • Hi Carmen, Thank you for the compliment. Transparency isn’t easy. I’m glad if my writing seems transparent though. I’ve come to the conclusion writing isn’t easy for me. That’s why I’m pretty sure God wrestled me to lay down my burdensome dreams of novel writing so that He could use me for something else. Whatever that “something else” might mean!

      Thank you for taking the time to stop by!
      -Blessings,
      Kenzel

      Like

  2. What a great, honest post. I stopped blogging and commenting for a while too, mostly because I felt that God was redirecting my energy toward helping my son with his emotional issues. You are showing your strength by following God’s will and should be proud of yourself!

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    • That’s kind of you Becky. If I get nothing else out of it other than connecting with others like this and spreading His message of Good News, Mercy and Love, I can live with that. It has definitely been a daily lesson in obedience.

      Glad to still have you following!
      Blessings,
      -Kenzel

      Like

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