My 3rd writing day and I’m getting a late start. Not letting that stop me though.
I’ve finally dressed.
I made myself put on make up today.
Eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick.
I do want to take this moment to Praise God, because the last two days of writing memoir scenes has been liberating.
It was the Holy Spirit’s words from last week that finally hit me; I just needed time to process his message:
HS: Why are you putting yourself through this?
Your avoidance is a misuse of energy & it’s breaking you down!
Fight through it!
Write it out, writing through it will be much easier than what you are living WITH
You are hoping this will go away on its own.
Your past is yours. OWN it!
Your God is Creator but you are the CREATED.
Re-write the Wrongs! He’ll do his part, but YOU need to do yours.
You’re making this more difficult than the process would be if you sat down and finished it.
I have doubted that what I have to say will be of benefit to anyone. However, this week, I had a fellow Christian author read two of my scenes. I’m grateful I did. I’m grateful God directed me to her.
It is encouraging when someone tells you to keep going. When you hear that what you’ve written is both important and good writing. But, I should have known that already. The Lord has been hounding me to do this for a while.
This morning I ran across a blog post written by a woman about death. It just so happens that at least one or two scenes in this manuscript will have to focus on loss and death.
It is a brutal topic. Brutal, because none of us really wants to face it but a critical topic because none of us can escape it.
I am blogging at this moment as a form of procrastination but also because in the writer’s world a blank page is static. I needed to get words flowing and build momentum.
No, I don’t want to write about those memories. No, I really don’t want to end up sobbing today – like I did as I wrote the last two days.
But the reality is I HAVE to. The longer I put this off, the more difficult it becomes. Three decades of wishing pain away is long enough.
I don’t want to look my 15 year old self in the mirror. I don’t want to see what I looked like the day I buried my mother.
And yet, the two scenes I wrote in the last 48 hours were crucial. They allowed God to help me break chains of bondage. Something I didn’t know was possible. Something that is of more worth than Gold.
So, I’m going to trust God, that as He has directed, he knows what is best.
I write to release and break chains that have kept me tethered…I write to surrender my soul to My Savior.
I am more determined than ever to “get it written.” That is, get my manuscript written.
I really feel like I need to get it done in 9 months.
A friend emailed me last night and said, “9months is totally doable to get your 1st draft written, then 3months for edits.”
True.
Except for one hiccup. One thing I had forgotten from not so long ago.
When my only sister died back in 2011, my nephew requested my help in cleaning out her condo. That was tough, for a number of reasons I will write about in the book. But the biggest WORD lesson I took with me from that trip was what I would call, “Clutter Paralysis.”
When I arrived on scene at her condo near Vancouver, WA, there was so much disarray, my mind began to spin.
My nephew had created “pathways” for walk through.
Without going down too many rabbit holes, the scene was likely something straight out of the TV show called “hoarders.” And he had already thrown out dozens of bags of trash. It was when he took me upstairs, to what would have been considered a guest room, that he said:
“This is where I need you, or where I think you need to be. There is a lot of family history stuff in here you probably would know more about…since she didn’t share much of it with me. I’ve looked through some of it, but this is beyond me.”
I could see why. And all I could do was nod.
I was ready to weep, but just stared at the mess for a couple of minutes.
My sister had inherited much of our parents furniture when they died decades ago. She still had all of it (OK, most of it).
In addition to what she’d inherited, she had collected stuff since then, too. Tons of stuff. She’d collected some of the same kinds of stuff I had thought about buying over the years. Stuff I had kept myself from buying – because I wasn’t sure I would use it.
Yet, there I was, staring at it. My heart, literally and physically, ACHED.
I am not going into additional detail. I am not following that specific trail any further. God will use that experience to help me fully heal when I write and complete my manuscript.
I only mention that specific fragment of time because God needed me to see it and it’s important to share here. He needed me to see what I had been missing up until that point.
“Don’t invest in things, in this world.”
He needed me to see what it looks like from His point of view, looking in.
“I want you to see what I see. Don’t hold so tightly onto this world, that you lose your grip, your focus, on me.”
My Sister is the 2nd person I’ve known who fell prey to this human longing. Who got caught up in “acquiring.” What she lacked in her personal relationships, she attempted to make up for in store-bought, man-made, materialism.
Most of the things she acquired had gone un-touched and were now left behind: un-opened, unused. Cluttering up a room, taking up space.
Even if they’d been bought for a reason, with good intentions.
Here is the beginning of the irony. My sister died in 2011. My mother-in-law died in 2012. Both died unexpectedly, without warning (Like a thief in the night: 1 Thessalonians 5:2) Almost exactly one year apart.
I received from their estates what was leftover (which was very bittersweet). So imagine, me…with a household and family of her own; Inheriting furniture and stuff from two other women and their households within a year of each other. Two women who had clung tightly to their material possessions.
By the time the moving truck left (yes, a moving truck), my house was a disaster. For a long while. Until God reminded me to:
“Think outside the box.”
It had taken 6 months for the initial shock to work through the reality back then. Our household was at an impasse of what to do with all the furniture we had. No one was willing to “cave” on what to get rid of.
By the end of the first year I decided to try and make use of everything or place it in a way that allowed full use of the house.
I tackled the master, front room and dining room in a day. The family room the next day. That accomplished the downstairs.
I didn’t have a clue what to do with the upstairs (that I hadn’t already done). Home decorating and organizing isn’t my, “thing.”
That was a year ago; But, I had to, we had FAMILY coming to stay with us short-term.
I’d switched room usage and configurations around. What the former owners called the “Movie room” became my sewing/embroidery and writing room. The bonus room was big and roomy enough to accommodate the TV and seating; which had been cramped in sewing room. Now, of course, my sewing room is a disaster! 😦
The bonus room has always bugged me. I’m not an organizer by nature. If the Spirit didn’t push me to move, it wasn’t goin’ to happ’n!
That is, until yesterday when I re-opened my Scrivener trial to write my opening scene of Manuscript Part I — and then God said:
“Yes, I want you to write. But you made yourself a promise a long time ago. You need to work on that right now. Don’t attempt to write until you do. And another thing…be cautious of the promises you make. To yourself, Me or anyone else” (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7)
I instinctively stood up from my desk and walked into the bonus room. I quietly thought to myself: “Ugh! No!” And then whamo, where I was smacked me right in the face: “Clutter Paralysis.” I had become caught up in the same wretched emotional roller coaster as my sister! I was drowning in clutter and playing the avoidance game. Clinging to this life I wasn’t letting God BE God….
I let out a *Deep Sigh* and realized, Your Will be done, Lord.
We went to WORK
In the far corner was the card table and on it:
the table top tree
my serger
and other “stuff.”
Under the table:
“Tech” stuff
a Christmas storage box
and shipping paper.
I knew this section was my Achilles heel. If I tackled this, the rest, “in theory,” would fall into place.
For a moment my mind traveled down a rabbit hole and I wondered: How did I get myself into this?!
*Blech!*
Enough, keep moving, Don’t stop to ponder! Onward and Upward….
The Tech box went into my recently cleaned out sewing closet.
The Christmas box and shipping paper under a bed, at least, until I needed it this Fall.
My serger stayed on the table and the whole thing shifted to (get this) a DiFFERent – out of the way – corner! (ha!) and I saved the tree for a special “showcase” spot.
I shifted the entire room around by 90*. The mini-couch replaced the card table and I removed two moving boxes from MIL’s house to the attic (that were virtually empty anyway) and then shifted everything else a foot.
I should have taken a before picture, but at least I’ll post a photo of my favorite spot in the room. It looks really nice now. Even my youngest kiddo told Dad last night: “Dad, you have to see the bonus/movie room! It looks beautiful!” Such simple words and keen observations that made my heart sing!
The only room yet to be conquered is the sewing room (I have little space for organizing, fabric everywhere and no cupboards or containers! *Ick*)
I have re-worked the front room…twice. It is as good as it gets, for now. I don’t have large enough muscles or man power to move large furniture! 🙂
An Impetus to Purge
I titled this post The Transitional Purge because as we enter the month of March we near the transition of 1st and 2nd quarter.
First quarter is Winter. Winter is a period of “hunkering down,” digging in and a time of introspection. Little by Little, God is guiding me to accomplish in my life what my Sister wasn’t able to accomplish in hers. Cleaning out, clearing up and unearthing what’s excess from what matters.
I re-purpose as much and as often as I can. But sometimes, letting go isn’t just important, it’s necessary.
I don’t want to cling to things.
The only the I want to cling to is the Love of Christ.
The love of Christ isn’t loud or boastful; it’s more like the silences of winter where we find our voice – in it’s quiet stillness.
The peace of Christ is akin to watching the snow fall from the Heaven’s to the Earth. If we don’t just watch it, IF we step out and listen, we can HEAR the calm and stillness standing under those magnificent falling flakes.
I never realized that when we moved from the West Coast to OK, that the Lord was taking me out to the desert. I knew no one out here when we moved. Not a soul. But that was part of His plan. I knew NE OK was on His agenda but He knew what was on His agenda for my life. Better his plans than my own.
Everything that’s happened was purposeful. Intended to draw me closer to him. He needed me to loosen my grip on what I THOUGHT I needed and allow him to help me open my hands to the receive the true blessings he would bring my way.
The purge continues and I pray He will continue to direct my steps. They are the only ones I want to follow.
Let’s find strength by Praying together:
Father:
Given that I am human and living in the midst of a fallen world; help me. Let me see you in everything. Help me to cling less to this world and the things in it and loosen my grasp of possessions.
HELP Me to seek you in all things, each day, every season. You prove again and again that when I search for answers from you, you will provide. Help us all to be confident enough, bold enough and brave enough to LOOK to YOU and no where else for the answers that matter. Help us be “Bet the Farm” risk takers and pray bold prayers. We can be world changers as long as we have you directing our footsteps.
I ask that you direct me on that ever narrowing path. Lead us, Strengthen us, Protect us and cover us with your tender mercies. Fill us with your Spirit and show us how to Shine our Light on a world that is in need of you.
I’d felt a burden last week to do something I’d never done.
I felt The Lord calling me to Fast. I’ve heard about fasting and I know it’s Biblical; I’ve read about it.
I really need to hear from God. I really need to receive His wisdom and clarity. I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t!?
Well, actually….I know that’s not true. I know the idea of hearing from God scares the pants off of a lot of people. Some agnostics, some new believers…
However, I’m not writing to make friends or “tickle” ears – I’m writing to Shine the Light of God’s truth. The truth that will set us all free….
There has been a lot happening around us as I’ve mentioned.
Trying to make sense of it, we’ll that’s another story. Sometimes, we won’t be able to make sense of anything. And sometimes, the only thing we’ll get is the Peace of God that He allows to fill us and keep us calm in the midst of the storm – that is if we ASK for it.
I believe there is a storm coming, friends. I don’t think there’s any other way to say it.
I know I’ve mentioned on previous blog posts the book, “The Harbinger” by Jonathan Cahn. Well, in the years ’01 and ’08…those events happened during a Shemitah year cycle. The Shemitah is part of the Hebraic calendar. If you haven’t read The Harbinger, I encourage you to read it.
Right now, I am in the middle of the sequel: “The Mystery of the Shemitah.” To be honest, I’d never heard the term Shemitah before last year.
Even before I started reading the Shemitah I felt the call to fast, but once I started it I knew I had to try. The reason is that God is working on me. He wants every part of me. He wants me to lean on HIM fully and completely. He wants me to know what it feels like to TRUST him and have no hesitations in doing so.
Whatever is coming our way in the next 12 months…I pray that each of us is ready for it. I have asked God for mercy and for his protection. That being said, nothing may happen…but that’s not what history of the Shemitah has shown.
If God’s Word is true, if what I’ve learned about the Hebraic calendar is correct…based on the patterns that have been laid out so far – then I am going to do what God has asked of me and be the “watchman” on the wall and sound the “WaKE UP!” call. Get to know who Jesus is – T O D A Y.
Back to FASTing:
Anyhow, as I “entered” my feeble attempt at my fast last week…I felt like I didn’t know enough about it to do it successfully. That I didn’t understand the mechanics of doing it right.
I shared my first attempt with a friend, expressing my dissatisfaction with my effort. Fortunately this friend is both grounded in Christ and has fasted a good deal, because her words kept me from feeling defeated.
“There is no right or wrong way to Fast. Follow the direction of the Spirit. Let Him lead.”
I also hadn’t had a clue as to how to pray as I fasted or what to pray. I wasn’t sure how God wanted me to worship Him, or how to present myself to Him; for him to know I longed for his presence.
What I didn’t know kind of surprised me.
Prayer and Fasting do go hand in hand but they don’t always have to.
Prayer isn’t limited to bowing your head, hands folded, sitting in a church.
PRAYER is conversation with GOD.
A N D
Fasting isn’t limited to Food. It’s not limited to the time of Lent.
Fasting is about putting aside that which we idolize or depend on – and REFOCUSing our minds on Christ. Seeking Him to help us, feed us and nourish ourselves through HIS WORD.
Now, when matched up side by side, Prayer and Fasting are a combination that touch the heart of God – Right where HE is sitting on his Heavenly throne.
The real point of fasting is to take our WORLDLY focus and fixate on HIM.
Allow HIM to fill us UP completely and in doing so remaining prayerful that HE will speak to us and confirm within us, what we need to know.
What I didn’t realize is the way I live is more or less a form of “Lifestyle Fasting.”
I don’t need much…I am a simple person. The only thing I crave is to know Jesus more….
I am now looking to him to help me write this blog because I just can’t do it justice solo.
I listen for his voice throughout the day.
I’m mindful that with every bite of food I eat, someone somewhere has none.
I’m more fully reminded as time marches on that the enemy is out there on the prowl, scheming to steal, kill and destroy – And that is what keeps me going here…because
above all, I recognize how many lost souls there are, everywhere. Maybe reading, right now….
People who are willing to “put off” and procrastinate on the “Jesus” thing because they are too wrapped in THIS world to learn about HIS world.
The World HE made for You and me. To share THAT world with HIM.
Fasting and praying may not be for everyone…but Jesus is. He’s here, today.
What will you do when you can no longer procrastinate, because the opportunity to say YES to HIM is gone?
Scoff if you will, But Jesus didn’t turn his back on the cross.
and Jesus wouldn’t turn his back on YOU – Just give him a chance.
Give Him a chance to change YOU and then go change your corner of the world!
Allow God to change you and discover the Light you were made to Shine!
Wherever you are, I pray you discover who you were meant to be as a Child of God….
This is part of the reason why I hadn’t blogged the last two months.
I thought God wanted me to take time and breathe.
True, I have been adjusting to eating differently, but that wasn’t ALL of it.
I was questioning my worth. My purpose.
Not my life – that’s not something I need to question.
When God asked me to lay down my “book” dream recently it thrust me into an unknown.
A “black hole,” so to speak.
If I’m really a writer, why is He having me blog?
I’m not complaining, I’m confused.
When I started writing as a girl I wrote for fun. For the love of it. Just because.
The worst part of what I thought was my life-long quest and “dream” to write a book, was that I actually started writing it, twice.
The first story I worked on is sitting in a slush/recycle pile. And that’s where it will stay.
The second story I have mapped out in different word documents in the last year. Each scene is something that I thought God gave me in different visions. Visions I saw repeatedly, and finally wrote them down.
Then He asked my to lay down the dream. So, there’s no point in printing the scenes I have because they are all disjointed. The aren’t organized, they make no sense. Talk about discombobulated….
I feel like my brain has gone into a time warp status and I am caught in a black hole of thoughts.
There are a laundry list of things I can and should write about. Things that aren’t being addressed in the news. Things that have heightened my sense about where the world is headed and what we need to understand.
I don’t begrudge God about asking me to lay down “my dream” of writing a book. I know HE knows what I’m feeling. What I guess I’ve come to realize is THE book I had on my heart to write was filled with the wrong motivations:
The first book was filled with selfishness. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t in line with God’s Will. I was free to write it and do so in “fun” – but it would never reach the eyes of anyone beyond my own computer screen.
Invisible Nudges
A friend (and you know who you are) told me to start this blog. She also told me that when I get “raw” and “real” in my writing it is really powerful stuff. The problem is getting raw and real is draining.
But two things have happened this week to make me realize God is getting me ready to write what I’ve desperately tried to keep hidden.
I went to a Young Living Essential Oils meeting. At the meeting I took a Zyto scan. It was interesting, not too surprising but certainly a wake-up confirmation. My scan indicated that I had two zones out of “sync” both related to emotions and feelings. No surprise there.
The reality is I am facing a huge battle of spiritual warfare. I am being kept hostage by the enemy. The memories that haunt me are festering. I am a big believer in the concept that the body can heal itself (if given the right platform). Well, I’m starting to see that I am the one in the way. The only way I am going to be able to be emotionally WHOLE ever again is to write it OUT.
I have received feedback several times since I started this blog that I AM A WRITER and I have an amazing gift for writing. I am completely overwhelmed each time I hear that. I almost can’t believe it. The mere compliment brings me to tears. So why does it not spur me on to tackle my own demons?! Simple…again it’s the enemy. He is strangling me with fear of my own shame.
What I realized when I took a Compass Zyto scan this week is that the LONGER I allow pain, the fear, the anger, from manipulation-deceit and betrayal to remain inside – the greater the likelihood it will EAT me ALiVE.
If I don’t let it out and ALLOW God to work through me, the enemy will get what he wants. He will have won. By keeping his lies locked away I give him the advantage. That was never what God intended for me. He intended me to STAND – with HIM. By STAND-ing up and out I WILL be able to have power over Satan. I will be the VICTOR.
The title of this blog entry was Inadequate. Why?
Because I have been wanting to write about topics that relate to what’s happening around us and are affecting our everyday lives. Wanting to write about everything from the Blood Moons to the Shemitah. But I am not a Bible scholar. I have no formal education. I am just a mere human being, imperfect, sinful and full of shame. I have hidden myself from the blog-o-sphere lately because I feel inadequate to write.
And THAT is WRONG….
I had forgotten that God directed me to start this; to SHINE HIS LIGHT. Forgotten that HE alone trusts me to follow his directions. Do I feel adequate? Yes. But I needn’t. All I have to do is go back to my little instruction book and pay attention to:
Moses
Noah
Esther
David
Mary
and the big book of players to know WHAT the GREAT I AM expects me to DO.
There is no way I am comparing myself to these heroes/heroine’s of the Bible…but at least I know that as this journey continues I am not alone. Just as they did, I HAVE to TRUST.
I have to believe this is a safe place to write and lay it all out and down. To place it all at the foot of the cross.
I need to be made NEW. I’m tired of the old.
Father,
I’m scared. Who among us isn’t? Help us to take these fears and surrender them to YOU. The time has come for us to find out who you MADE us to be.
Allow us to find PEACE. I pray that YOU will help me to dig deep from here on out. Help me to release that which binds me and has kept me captive for too long. It’s time to let it go.
Bless me, bless all of us with your Grace, mercy and never ending LoVe.
Twenty years later, she looked at the invitation in her hand.
Twenty years, already?
She put the invitation down and dismissed it.
She’d made a promise that she would go, that she wouldn’t miss it. Would her friends care if she skipped? Would they notice if she didn’t?
Did it matter?
“Geez, I don’t even know if I want to go!” Kendall thought aloud…I don’t want to make this decision.
Several months before hand, Kendall’s life had changed. She’d grown up as a “Christian” and fully understood who Jesus was…a brush with death turned her life upside down/inside out.
That brush with death had led Kendall to cross over to a new life. Not physically, but certainly emotionally and spiritually.
She was what “secular society” called “Born Again.” The term never really made sense to her and hearing it in years gone by made her entirely uncomfortable.
But according to
John 3: New Living Translation (NLT)
3 Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.[a]”
4 “How can someone be born when they are old?” Nicodemus asked. “Surely they cannot enter a second time into their mother’s womb to be born!”
5 Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit.6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit[b] gives birth to spirit.7 You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You[c] must be born again.’8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”[d]
Because Kendall was a New Believer, she didn’t understand how much power she had by having the Spirit of God actually living within her. But she was about to find out….
Here she was a 40 year old mother of 2, folding laundry.
20 Years?
She’d done her best to push those years out of her mind. But, 20 years slip by fast.
Folding laundry was always such a menial task (at best) and was now a mindless activity with the reunion invite announcement sitting squarely in the the back of her mind. Even if the invitation was buried in a pile somewhere – it might well have been glued to her face.
A reunion had seemed so far off back then…the reality of trying to decide if she wanted to attend it was almost all consuming.
Now what?She thought to herself…
“ASK ME.” came the inaudible voice – The Inner Nudge
Kendall paused, cocked her head wondering what to think but proceeded to say a prayer aloud:
God,
I don’t know what to do. This is just a High School reunion, a social event. I don’t really need to go even though I made a promise to myself (so long ago) that I would…tell me what to do.
Help guide me in the right direction. I don’t want to go unless it’s your WILL and for your purposes that I do. I’ll admit it, I’m scared. I can’t do this on my own.
-Amen
There were lots of reasons Kendall DID NOT want to go to her reunion, but the biggest was she wasn’t sure she wanted to see him.
She continued to work hard at putting the milestone event out of her mind; which was all but impossible.
Until the following week, when her mind had traveled off in time and space. Still looking for answers.
“Go, You will be there for the right reasons. Take my hand, I will lead you.”
Kendall knew it was God’s answer…without Him even having to preface it.
She booked her tickets and made her reservations. She only had a week to wait….
Flying into the Northwest was an odd sensation. But as the plane approached Portland International Airport, she couldn’t tell if she felt more sick, nervous or either one…maybe neither.
“I AM with you.”
Kendall had intentionally not attended her 10 year reunion.
She’d always felt like a “fish out of water” and showing up at this event was no exception. Her presence here, now, revolved around God’s plan. If God intended to stretch her comfort zone… in addition to making her uncomfortable, He was doing a bang-up job.
Suffice it to say, She recognized hardly anyone, at least at first. Kendall had normally been the kind of girl who could say hello to strangers, be a friendly face and help to the new kids and make them feel welcome. Now, her fellow alumni were slowly but surely making the rounds and stopping to say hello to her. Talk about surreal.
The night was half way over with dinner having long been served and Kendall hadn’t gone near it. She might regret that later, but her nerves (so far) suppressed her appetite.
As she mingled through the crowd and left the banquet hall for fresh air and change of scene; she considered the possibility she might not see Tim before the night was through. Staring out a window that overlooked downtown, she listened to various conversations as people meandered through the hallways. For most of her fellow classmates, this was just another social gathering. A mixer – a place to see and be seen….
She turned and walked away from the view of city lights and headed back into the banquet hall. 10 steps away from her and walking directly in her line of fire, was a brown-haired, blue-eyed man. His facial features having changed significantly; he was no longer the boy in her memory, he was a man. She hadn’t realized who he was until it was too late.
His eyes penetrated hers and shot straight to her soul. Making her want to laugh, cry and gasp all at once, just like 23 years prior. But this time, things were different. Covered in the power of Christ, Kendall squashed the same emotions that had kept her chained for all those years and as she slowed her pace, so did Tim.
“How the heck have you been, Tim. You look great.”
“I’ve been great Kendall, Thanks. You look great, too” and the conversation continued with the obvious niceties of acceptable “small talk” for about 5 minutes.
Yes, 5 minutes.
They had never been friends. They had barely been acquaintances. But the first time Tim spoke to her, he’d asked for her picture. And Kendall had never given it to him.
Effectively she’d never finished answering her portion of his question.
Kendall sat at the table after Tim had left and and took a deep breath. She would have never recognized Tim had they not passed, face-to-face in the hallway.
He was no longer teenage cute; he was now GQ Handsome. Kendall could barely remember a word of their speed-of-light conversation but it wasn’t the scope of the conversation that counted. It had been her ability to initiate it, look him square in the face and shed the image she had of HER-Self as a t0ngue-tied high school kid. She had faced her LOsT and unrealized High School love head on and emerged a woman through those smoldering teenage embers – which had burned out long ago.
Kendall had been swayed by the powers of Spiritual warfare. The enemy wanted her to BELIEVE that Tim had all the qualities that she likely wanted in a guy. She’d been stuck in the past haunted by a ghost of his youth. But as much as Tim MAY have been a gentleman as a man, young boys can (and do) make mistakes. She’d felt dumped if not unintentionally ignored after one brief exchange. It wasn’t Tim’s fault…it wasn’t hers. The enemy had taken an opportunity to seize her emotions and manipulate her heart. The enemy had lied to her and tried to make Tim the fall guy. It was her first realization of what Spiritual Warfare could look like – the enemy had taken the upper edge – until NOW.
Kendall’s mind catapulted in light speed mode from 1983 to 2006. She’d just set those shackles free that had bruised her body and heart for more than two decades. Only to realize that even back in her teenage years, God had been protecting her.
Too young to get married, Kendall might easily have been tempted to sacrifice the most precious human thing she had (her virginity) out of what she perceived as love, too soon.
She wouldn’t be able to fully embrace a man’s love until she’d found and uncovered God’s Love for her. It’s hard to fully appreciate God’s design when we don’t fully understand God outside a relationship with HIM. What she needed to know now was what a Man’s love for his wife would look like, truly feel like, and mean to her.
It took her about a week to realize and recognize why God had told her to come on this trip. Kendall hadn’t had any issues to resolve with Tim. They hadn’t been friends, they’d barely been acquaintances. The reason for the trip was more personal than that. Kendall had trust issues with God. She didn’t know what to expect, how to act or how to follow HIM. But this had been the first step.
He’d faithfully allowed her to set her false or misplaced feelings for Tim free. He’d empowered her to find the words to get beyond her weaknesses and make her words her strength. Getting answers from Tim about why he didn’t try harder to make “them” work wasn’t HIS goal. Tim was simply God’s tool to help Kendall see what she couldn’t all along. She could be brave and courageous. And if she didn’t have the strength to do it solo, God wouldn’t abandon her.
God would LOVE her as much if not more as any man ever could.
Dear God:
Thank you for protecting me from myself. How often have I traveled roads I didn’t belong on but you re-directed me back – to YOU. People we know and meet will come and go from our lives. You’ve taught me that. YOU are the only thing that is steadfast. You helped me put the chains of Tim behind me. You helped me to see more clearly how TRUSTing YOU is the only way to live. The only WAY to be truly free.
Thank you for your patience, for your guiding hand. For loving me and not giving up on me.
I pray that for all those who read this, they will see that our hearts don’t always speak honestly to us and you are not only the TRUTH but you are the LIGHT on a very narrow path that’s far too easy to stray from.
Thank you for your guidance. Cover us with your peace and help us to seek your wisdom and find clarity we long for.
Off I went to bake another batch of my gourmet cookies tonight.
With cars lining up and down on my street today, I knew the cookies would be a welcome sight for their guests. I was already in denial.
I didn’t want to acknowledge what I knew in my gut. I’ve seen it before. More than once or twice. The signs aren’t hard to piece together.
And as soon as the front door opened, the tears weren’t far behind….
Chris T. was a shining light in this world. Unfortunately, I hadn’t seen him in a while. I knew he hadn’t been well, but I hadn’t done my part to get myself over, be neighborly and just check in. In God’s economy, I obviously still have much to learn.
I’ve been blessed to live in a very sweet, small neighborhood. And though we don’t get to socialize much, our little world changed overnight when one of those voices was silenced. The world now grieves the loss of a man who truly enjoyed people and made a difference.
I’m finding it hard to write tonight because the news confirmation is just a couple of hours old. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around a contemporary parable if I tried. I often feel tears surfacing and feel waves of regret for not trying harder.
My only consolation is that while the sting of death hurts for those of us left remaining here, Chris is now completely healed. He is with God, with Jesus – in Heaven, his eternal home and FREE. The memory of Chris’ light and the ember of his spark is a reminder of why we continue living and loving like Jesus did. We are to never give up hope. Chris didn’t give up hope. He was a fighter and I learned that tonight.
So, this song is not just dedicated to Chris but to all of us. I hope that as you read this blog post and watch this video you begin to know who you are…just like Chris did.
Knowing who you ARE is critical to WHERE you are destined to BE.
We aren’t just an element in God’s creation: we are part of the great I AM.
And that is the only way to live life: secure and faith filled and focused on Jesus. 🙂
Chris, thank you for your friendship and for shining the light of Christ for all to see. You will be missed.
A good friend took me with her to a Bible study that started today. The focus will be the Book of Ezekiel. This has been long in coming. As many times as I have read the Book of Revelation, I’ve not yet read Ezekiel. And God told me it is time to put that oversight behind me.
But Ezekiel is not the focus of this entry. Unshakable faith is. Notice I didn’t say “religion.”
Religion is about Laws. In the Old Testament, Laws governed the land.
The New Testament changed all that…Jesus…Changed ALL of it. Jesus is about a personal relationship. That’s it. Nothing more or less. This always seems to be such a stumbling block for people. I don’t get it!
I could cite a lot of reasons to be angry with God. I’ve told him how angry I am with him over the years. He Knows. In fact, he prepared me for writing this in the last few minutes by giving me a reminder of what his grief CAN feel like. And then he “nudged” me hard enough to sit down and WRITE.
Feeling God’s grief is not fun. I’ve felt it before. But it is something I have asked to experience. “How is that, you say?”
Over the years, I’ve learned that as part of my prayer life I want to ask God to:
Open my eyes to see
Break my heart, for what breaks his
help me to act, speak and be the hands and feet of Jesus.
— And God will answer those requests. Only, I probably won’t know he’s answered or that he’s used me for those purposes. Occasionally I know, because I “sense” it. But not always.
If you are un-churched Not the “churchy” type have MAYBe gone to church on holidays OR have felt betrayed by the church here are the basics to know:
There is something called The Holy Trinity (the three in ONE)
God- The Father
Jesus- (God) the Son
Spirit – (God) The Holy Ghost (yeah, the term holy ghost can “throw” people, just “go with it” ok?)
God created Jesus. After Jesus death and following his ascension, God SeNT the holy spirit to be on earth at Pentecost.
The Holy Spirit is powerful. PowerFully aWesome. Amazing and Supernatural. Do NOT take The Spirit for granted. He is GOOD. You want him on YOUR side!
Getting back on track…there are many situations in my life that I could feel deep anger over. I know you probably feel the same.
How wrong-ED we have been by people we trusted. BUT, what point IS there in harboring that anger? You know what anger leads to?
Think about it: resentment, bitterness, revenge.
Do those attributes sound positive? Do they sound encouraging? No, they are damaging, destructive and lead to heartache. These attributes are the mark of the enemy. Yep. The enemy has a mission to “steal, kill & destroy”(John 10:10)
While I have NO intention to give the enemy any “additional” wiggle room in my life the reality is while I live and breathe on this earth, I will experience trouble.
As Jesus said:“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”(John 16:33)
Question: How do I overcome the world AND how do I find myself UN-shakable – STANDing on the solid rock of Jesus?
Answer: I quit leaning on myself. I quit looking to THiS world for answers. I quit trying to CONTROL and ASK him (Jesus) to lead.
Those are freakish thoughts aren’t they? They sound like they go against the grain of what society says we “ought” to do – to “strive” for. And those qualities are EX-act-LY what Jesus wanted us to understand.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)
‘my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:30
Ever tried standing on a big rock or boulder? You might be able to walk on it, dance on it, jump up and down. It wouldn’t move. It doesn’t. It’s UN-s-h-a-k-e-ABLE.
Jesus IS That Solid Rock. If you try and trust HIM enough to believe in his promises – You are going places! He does not disappoint and will NOT let you down.
He died on the Cross, but then God resurrected Him! How cool is THAT? If God gave his son, sacrificed him and then resurrected HIM to prove He COULD it’s only up to us to believe in the promise – HiS promise for everlasting life. All is takes is to have faith (even faith the size of a mustard seed – Matthew 17:20) in Jesus and accept his gift of grace.
Will you reach out to accept it? His grace card is free…and its benefits eternal.
Prayer:
Jesus, I need you. Help me find you. Show me who you are. Help me to find Your Solid Rock of mercy. Help me to be UN-shakable in a world that is ever-changing. Help me to feel your Love. Fill me to over-flowing and let me know you are with me. I want you in my life…starting now. Amen
I hope you experience God’s profound peace. There really is nothing like it. Thanks for stopping by and listening.
Shining a light in the darkness 