Tag Archive | bondage

Breaking Chains: Burying Memories

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My 3rd writing day and I’m getting a late start. Not letting that stop me though.

I’ve finally dressed.

I made myself put on make up today.

Eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick.

I do want to take this moment to Praise God, because the last two days of writing memoir scenes has been liberating.

It was the Holy Spirit’s words from last week that finally hit me; I just needed time to process his message:

 


HS: Why are you putting yourself through this?

Your avoidance is a misuse of energy & it’s breaking you down!

Fight through it!

Write it out, writing through it will be much easier than what you are living WITH

You are hoping this will go away on its own.

Your past is yours. OWN it!

Your God is Creator but you are the CREATED.

Re-write the Wrongs! He’ll do his part, but YOU need to do yours.

You’re making this more difficult than the process would be if you sat down and finished it.

 


I have doubted that what I have to say will be of benefit to anyone. However, this week, I had a fellow Christian author read two of my scenes. I’m grateful I did. I’m grateful God directed me to her.

It is encouraging when someone tells you to keep going. When you hear that what you’ve written is both important and good writing. But, I should have known that already. The Lord has been hounding me to do this for a while.

This morning I ran across a blog post written by a woman about death. It just so happens that at least one or two scenes in this manuscript will have to focus on loss and death.

It is a brutal topic. Brutal, because none of us really wants to face it but a critical topic because none of us can escape it.

I am blogging at this moment as a form of procrastination but also because in the writer’s world a blank page is static. I needed to get words flowing and build momentum.

No, I don’t want to write about those memories. No, I really don’t want to end up sobbing today – like I did as I wrote the last two days.

But the reality is I HAVE to. The longer I put this off, the more difficult it becomes. Three decades of wishing pain away is long enough.

I don’t want to look my 15 year old self in the mirror. I don’t want to see what I looked like the day I buried my mother.

And yet, the two scenes I wrote in the last 48 hours were crucial. They allowed God to help me break chains of bondage. Something I didn’t know was possible. Something that is of more worth than Gold.

So, I’m going to trust God, that as He has directed, he knows what is best.

I write to release and break chains that have kept me tethered…I write to surrender my soul to My Savior.

 

Blessings to you & Be a Blessing to others,

Kenzel

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Hidden Sin – Uncovering the Past

hidden sin

Sunset: Orange Beach, AL

 

Much as I’ve been resistant, it’s come to my attention that layer by layer, I need to uncover the past.

Doing so is not easy. I took yet another step of faith a couple of weeks ago.

A step I’ve been putting off.

It wasn’t something I wanted to write about, but obedience trumps my carnal nature.

My reality is:

  • I’m a sinner.

  • I am full of sin.

  • But there’s a lot more to fleshly sin than meets the eye.

 

It’s called FAITH

While Sin is often obvious, there are often Sins in the past that we (I) may not be able to recognize.

 

By nature, I want to deny that there was anything I might have done as an iniquity against God.

The reality is, I was too scared to face my Sin head on.

Too embarrassed to consider what I might find if I sought to know the truth.

 

Not unlike some of you who might be reading this.

I really don’t want to believe I am imperfect….

But like it or not, I am not perfect and I CANNOT grow unless I let go of

my sins, my trespasses and the TRUTHS that hurt. 

I need to face ALL these head ON to become WHOLE again.

One day I felt His Spirit move in my Soul….

I dove in. I asked. I prayed.

And yes, I was nervous.

But I knew God wanted me to begin to uncover the sin I couldn’t see.

 

 He doesn’t want me to remain in fragments

He wanted me to HEAL

And

God is always GOOD.

Period.

Having prayed, I waited.

His response time varies. Sometimes it might take months, a year, even years.

Sometimes hours or days.

When we ask questions or pray fervently; God does answer.

And this time was no different.

About 2-3 weeks after I requested His help; He delivered.

He provided the memory and identified it as my answer.

The Sin that left a stain in my past (decades ago), wasn’t something I sought out.

In fact, it found me.

The sin landed smack dab in my lap and I didn’t have to go looking for it.

Convenient, No?

What was the vision he provided? I saw the Ouija Board.

It’s been nearly 40 years since that happened.

And I still remember bits and pieces of the experience pretty clearly.

 

I was at a birthday party, I don’t remember whose party it was.

 

“Play time” was over, followed by light snack and cake. Then, the games were “rolled” out.

But my parents had arrived early to pick me up…

 

I’d never heard of Ouija, or seen one, nor was I familiar with it’s purpose, intent or origin.

Given that I was about to leave, I ended up being the first person to start.

I wasn’t sure of what question I wanted to ask it…so I threw out the first thing that came to mind.

“Will I be a tennis star, Will I win Wimbledon?”

I really had no expectations for this “gizmo” but I did have HIGH hopes in what it MIGHT tell me

However, when the “pointer” moved (without any effort from me) I truly started to cringe.

As it answered my question and “glided” across the board, it took on a life of its own.

I know my analytical instincts at that age, were not developed enough yet,

but there was something very wrong, VERY CREEPY with what was happening.

 

The Ouija told me the answer was: NO.

 

I was stunned and felt kinda sick.

 

Darkness was present and presiding.

I didn’t like the answer. I didn’t “like” the thing then and almost felt repelled by it during and after.

However, I initially DID put “stock” into what it MIGHT be able to do, because I bothered to ask it

something.

Whether or not I KNEW it was right or wrong.

 

By merely asking that one question,

I invited something into my life that I never intended nor wanted.

I invited the opportunity for Evil into my life.

 

The board didn’t lie to me. but by consulting it – merely asking a question, I was exposing myself to

Spiritual Attack. I’m not joking either….

Even if it was telling me a truth. It was also making a future prediction. So, instead of receiving a

prophetic truth from My Lord, or His clarity and wisdom – without knowing it I allowed myself to be “fed”

by the enemy – fed information from an unreliable source.

The same source that lied to Eve in The Garden of Eden

God, What had I done?

In the last year, God has shared with me His wisdom about why my dreams to achieve “successful” status

in Professional Tennis didn’t come to fruition. I was blessed by that post just by writing it.

Read it here: Love Means EVERYTHING in Tennis

Tough as that was to write, it was one of two of my favorite blog posts ever.

I’d never had that kind of conversation with God before.

God has plans for me that I cannot see. Plans I do not need to know about until due time.

God’s perfect Will for me is what matters.

Yes, I was only 8 or 10 years old when this Ouija experience occurred.

I was ignorant about this tool.

Yes, I tried it once…and I knew at that moment ONCE was too much.

I had no idea that using a Ouija board would be considered on the same level as:

 

  • consulting a medium

  • reading Horoscopes

  • astrology

  • seances

  • witchcraft

 

But my answer was clear. I had given this device a toe-hold in my life.

I had stepped into the “dark side’ without recognizing it.

Though I am embarrassed by my actions, I feel fortunate.

God showered me with Grace, and removed the iniquity.

In the last weeks, Jesus broke the bondage that started long ago.

I am still saddened that it happened at all…but that decades old “stain” has now been cleansed.

 

I AM FREE!

 

More than anything, I am grateful that the Holy Spirit nudged me to pray and that I didn’t resist.

I am Blessed that God allowed me to see what I couldn’t see on my own.

I’m forgiven because I sought mercy and edification.

 

Don’t kid yourself about the power behind a Ouija.

Like it or not; Ouija boards are not a source of entertainment. They are a source of Spiritual Warfare, of

demons and darkness. Leviticus 19:31 and 20:6 admonishes us not to engage with them.

If we’re looking for answers, we won’t find what we NEED through a Ouija.

 

 

Heavenly Father,

You are the Giver of Gifts. You know us from the inside out. Help us to see that which we are blinded to.

Guide us in your wisdom and sustain us with your strength. We do not need to seek out the enemy for the

answers that should only come from YOU.

Be our guide, Be our Light…walk with us and remain IN us. From Sunrise to Sunset, through Eternity.

Blessed Be YOUR Name, Jesus.

And thank YOU, Friends….for sharing a small part of your day with me!

Blessings,

-Kenzel

 

Scripture references

Psalm 139:23-24